Always with the Love

I was about to begin this post when I realized I could not type. The keyboard would not function. The mouse was fine, but that was about it. Removed the laptop battery, blew on it, reinserted it, held the power key for 15 seconds, and now I am as good as new. I’m ever thankful for technology, but we are at its mercy in so many ways. We must wait for things to “go through.” We must hope our devices last a while before inevitably malfunctioning. We depend upon signals, connections, reception. Our patience grows thin concerning these things. We cannot even imagine mailing something and waiting for a return reply. Why wait?

It’s important to wait, though. We can do other things in the meantime. Waiting is underrated, in my opinion. When you have to wait for something, you appreciate it so much more. The immediacy we have come to expect these days has removed that burst of pleasure. It’s affected our state of mind. Our happiness. When we were children, we were told, “Good things come to those who wait.” And sometimes, that was true. Depending on what exactly it was we waited for, that is.

The last few times I sat down to write on this blog, I had no idea what to say. Where to begin. My blog used to be this very diet/weight loss centered place where I talked about what I weighed, what I was eating, what sort of exercise I was doing, as well as emotional battles concerning body weight, appearance, and food. But for quite a while now, I’ve not felt like focusing on those things. I’ve gained some of the weight back as a result. I’ve always had to focus my attention on diet, exercise and these other patterns in a laser-like fashion in order to get results. But you can only focus on these things for so long when you have a husband, children, a job, friends, interests, hobbies, etc. For years I talked about the necessity of achieving and maintaining a healthy balance when it came to diet/exercise, but it’s just been so much easier said than done.

And so I’m not depressed in this area, although, truth be told, I am still searching for my motivation…my mojo, as my friend R would say. I’ve been exercising just about every day, but not pushing myself as I know would boost my progress. And I’ve struggled with late night eating. Typically it’s not unhealthy food, but still, it’s just too late to be eating. My friend T suggested protein as a late night snack, which is a good idea (yogurt, for example). For some reason I crave dried figs and almond butter in the evenings. That’s not an unhealthy snack, but just too high in sugar and fat for that particular time. So I’m working on that.

You may be wondering when I will ever get to my actual topic: Love. Well, here I am, at last. I was thinking the other day about the concept of love while I was in the midst of some mundane task. We all know what love was supposed to be, or how it was explained to us as children…or perhaps it was explained differently. I was told that one day I would “fall in love,” get married and have children, and that was what love was all about. Yep, that pretty much sums it all up right there.

Growing up, I didn’t really observe much of that. My parents divorced when I was 8, and then my younger sister and I watched as she went through a string of relationships–just one that was close to enduring (6 years). But I just never really observed that romantic, fall-in-love, prince/princess, rainbows everywhere lovefest that had been described, or was periodically described to me. I came to learn as I got older that love was not (for me, anyway) so cut and dry.

It wasn’t for everyone. Or maybe just didn’t happen for everyone. It didn’t necessarily entail being fawned all over and covered in flowers and chocolates. Wining and dining was not some automatic thing. It wasn’t all rainbows. In fact, it might be largely rainbow-less. You didn’t always have compatible personalities, goals, desires, priorities, likes…you didn’t care about the same things. You spent a period of time together — a season — and then moved on to better weather. Sunnier skies. Someone who met your needs, which had undoubtedly changed…not the fault of the last one, necessarily. But someone who gave you what you felt you needed, and you once again felt the joy of getting to know someone. The adventuresome feeling that I now recognize (but still treasure) as the “not-old” feeling. You felt young and happy and admired…sexy, intelligent, almost immortal. You decided that you really felt loved again.

So the problem, or maybe it wasn’t a problem but more of an interpretation at the time…was just the way you defined “love.” As in, love was something that made you feel all of these wonderful things that apparently you needed this other person to implant into your insecure psyche. Of course, as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to find that love is about much, much more than another person helping me to feel young, attractive, intelligent, funny, talented, secure, etc. Not to say that a person who loves me doesn’t assist me in experiencing those feelings — of course they make me feel good — but that is just part of something much bigger. Something I’m not sure I’ll ever fully comprehend, and that I can safely say I barely (if at all) understood as a younger woman.

Love is not defined by a romantic relationship. We may find love there, certainly. But we also find it in the minds and eyes of children, in our pets, in other animals, in the touch of a loved one, in the warmth of a balmy day, when our face is buried in the hair of a friend, when we are clasped in a hug. Love is the music that lifts our heart or drags it through trenches, the leaf that clings for dear life to the tree that is bent on shedding it. Love is saying yes…love is saying no…and everything that results from those actions. Love is a smile between 2 strangers, holding the door, looking out for one another.

Falling in love is another thing. You can fall in love with a person, but is it really the PERSON? Or something ABOUT the person you are in love with? Is it something in their personality, a talent, a skill? A mindset? Is it something in their physicality? If it is, does that mean you haven’t fallen in love? Does that diminish the loftiness of love? Does it make it not really worthy of being associated with love? Should we all just forget about it because it was just too simple to be love?

Does it have to be complicated to be love? It seems in life that often the most complicated situations come down to something so utterly simple…that I can’t believe it must be complicated or needs to be full of a lot of whatever to be considered love. But where relationships are concerned, I think love itself is just a part of the puzzle.

You can be in love with a cause. With a business. With a concept. With a mentality. But does that mentality persevere? I’ve found in my life that this is not the case. Perhaps because our minds are always changing as we take in more information, process it, form ideas and opinions. We fall out of love with certain ideas and into love with others. And the funny thing (to me, anyway) is that no one has any problem with that. Well, I suppose they do in politics. But in other areas of life, where our minds are continuously tweaking, adjusting, changing, adapting, etc., we’re not necessarily going to be in it for the long haul. So one day we were just ON FIRE for this particular thing, but down the road, we change our minds. We’ve lost that loving feeling.

For me, love is maintaining my home. Cleaning, straightening, ironing, packing lunches, making breakfasts, baking breads and muffins. Doing A LOT of dishes. Saving money creatively. Sharing music with my children. Laughing with them. Enjoying a coffee with my husband. Ignoring his video game but sitting close to him in the early mornings. The “being there.” Babytalking to my cats while I stroke them and carry thema around like babies. Sweeping leaves, weeding the yard, savoring music on Spotify, practicing cello, working out a song idea at the piano…trying to make sense of guitar.

But even at work, in my office, I find love. Laughing with colleagues, standing up for another one, spoiling them with baked goods, listening to their struggles, doing my best to get the job done. Knowing they are all fellow human beings doing what needs to be done to carry on their own lives…love is there. The smiles. The bits of personal chit-chat that say, “I’m a person, not just a coworker.” The connection reminds me of the love that flows through every one and sustains us all. Even in our darkest times. That is when a stranger smiles. That is when someone asks, “What’s wrong?” Maybe someone holds the door, then, or says, “Let me take that for you. Your hands are full.” That’s love talking right there.

Love for my friends that is never-ending because they are always close to my heart and in my mind. Feeling their presence even when we are not together. Even when time has passed. Knowing they are there, breathing in and out, living their own daily lives. Hugging them close internally at that thought.

I even find love in traffic. And give it. I love to let people in. You know, when lanes are closing and you’re trying to get over, and that one car finally lets you in? And you thank them profusely? That’s me. I let people in AND gesture wildly to say thank you when people do me the courtesy. I NEVER lay on the horn. People are so impatient, beeping like crazy…ugh…used to make me mad. Now I just feel pity over it. They aren’t feeling the love for some reason. They aren’t opening themselves to it. When we close ourselves and make it all about us, we turn into selfish, beeping fools. And I mean on the road and off the road. So you just have to try to be that person (if you’re actually in a position to interact) to remind them that the love is there, ready and waiting to be tapped into. Sometimes they’ll realize it. Or ignore you. Or beep at you, LOL. Whatever.

My point is, love is everywhere. We can see it and experience it if we choose to be conscious of it and open to its gifts and lessons, some of which may be painful. Love is the heartbeat of our lives, creating an endless, changing rhythm. It is up to us to choose the dance. And very luckily, because love is all-encompassing, we can spend the rest of our days falling in and out of it. Which at times is very nice, in my opinion.

And Now, the Opening

This past week has been pretty good overall. I’ve had my mother-in-law and my husband’s brother in town, so we’ve done some family stuff — lunches, dinners, amusement park, Renaissance Festival, movie, etc. As much as I care for my visiting family, I look forward to relaxing back into my normal groove. I’m sure they miss home as well. Particularly my brother-in-law because he is autistic and goes to school, so his routine is a big deal to him. He gets interaction with other kids, which he really looks forward to.

I’ve been reading “The Eat-Clean Diet” by Tosca Reno. I’ve made it a point to read this book whenever I feel off-track in my dieting and exercise. I’ve read so many diet/nutrition/exercise books over the years, but when I read this one some years ago, I felt a huge YES, THIS IS IT feeling. For me, anyway. Tosca’s book helps me to get re-energized about healthy eating and exercising. I didn’t realize it the last few times I read it, but she was 40 when she reshaped her physique…my same age! It’s an inspirational book, and very easy to read. Lots of glossy, colorful pictures that really illustrate the beauty of whole foods (as opposed to crap foods, which aren’t naturally vibrantly colored). So I feel good that I’m taking time to read that book.

A friend posted an article about Facebook which really rang true for me. I tend to check Facebook too often (for what?). I really noticed, after reading the article, just how much. I also check my phone too frequently. If I’m at an event or spending time with a friend, I need to be able to put my phone away and not check it for the duration of the event. I really need to unplug more. That being said, this week I will be severely cutting back on my Facebook usage. I will only be checking it twice per day. In the morning when I get up, and then maybe after dinner. So, about 12 hours later, roughly. It will KILL me but I need to break my addiction to it. I want to work toward just checking it 1 time per day. I really enjoy Facebook because it keeps me in contact with friends I do not see, or do not see enough, but care about. When I went off Facebook last time (because of this addiction), I missed out on A LOT of happenings and goings-on. So it’s great to not be disconnected. But, on the other hand, when I was off Facebook, I focused more of my time on things that were important to me. So the goal this week is to see if I can enjoy Facebook (minimally) and redirect the extra time to things I care about: improved health, better eating (prepping!), exercise, music, continuing to research building  my business, etc.

Last week when I posted about the “secret club” feeling, several friends reached out to me. I had just wanted to share that feeling because it’s something I’ve experienced over the years here and there, usually when I am not feeling incredibly good about myself. I don’t blame others for that feeling, though. I’m not a victim. I’ve been blessed to have some of the most wonderful friends in the world. But the fact is, we are all living our own lives, and have to divide our attentions in multiple directions. Friends don’t “just know” when I’m upset if I don’t say so. I’m very crafty at hiding when I feel sad inside because I want to be strong and get over it without outside assistance. But sometimes I DO need outside assistance, and a friend would never NOT want me to ask for that guidance.

I have a friend who is just a few years older than I am, and she said something to me about a month ago that really impressed me. It was something along these lines, and I really took it to heart: If people want to do things that aren’t in line with what I am doing or vice versa, and they don’t want to hang with me or want to move into other circles, they can feel free to do that. There is plenty of room for all of us to do what we want to do in life. I respect their choices to do whatever it is they are doing, and I have my choices. I’ll just keep doing my thing.

I was blown away by her confidence and self-assured attitude. I felt like, that is exactly how I want to be able to feel about my own life. I want to do my own thing and not worry what others think. But the more I consider the “not worry what others think,” I realize that I’ve always spent a lot of time projecting what others are thinking. For example, if I make a choice not in line with that of my other friends, they must think badly of me. Surely, they must. And I feel bad about that. BUT, in fact, there is no evidence to support that assertion. So here I am, feeling “judged,” when it’s very possible no one gave my differing choice a second thought.

In fact, the more I’ve thought about my various friends, in turning this over in my mind, they just aren’t the type to do that. More than likely, they just accept that “That’s just Barb,” when I make the choice that is different from what everyone else is doing. And I suspect they do it without judgment…or with very little. I say that because my friends have incredible character in this area. They are very accepting and loving. Rarely have I heard a judgmental word or any assertion that wasn’t given careful consideration. It comes with maturity. It’s friendship that isn’t about ego, but just about being happy with each other and for each other, and also helping in hard times because of course life isn’t all puppies and roses. I was able to see one of these friends today (unexpectedly – she is very busy and I didn’t think she’d be in), and our short time together was such a soothing elixir to my soul. This person is my wonderfriend.

In short, I’m very blessed. I have what it takes inside to continue to improve physically and emotionally. Turning my thoughts over on this blog really helps. I also have great friends with so many excellent qualities to learn from. How could I fail, really? I just need to press on and remain open. Love is all around.

The Answer to All Questions

I’ve fallen behind on reading my favorite blogs, and on a few other things. This week I’ve tried to get back into exercise, but it didn’t work out every day. Eating was good some days, but not so much on others. And now my husband’s mother is visiting, so that’s always a challenge food and exercisewise. Foodwise because she loves junk food and eating out; exercisewise because spending time with her takes time away from other things I’d usually be doing. I’ve struggled for months with motivation. I need to get out of bed earlier, and get going with my exercise first thing. Like I used to. This really does set the tone for a productive, successful day for me.

I find myself contemplating a lot these days. I think of the past, the now, and the future. Above all, I’m trying to live my life compassionately. Love family, children, friends. Be friendly and caring in my interactions. Be considerate of others. Try not to be selfish. Tend to others’ needs and concerns. I’m trying to get to a place where others’ actions stop bothering me. Where I really, truly realize that I’m just in charge of me. That I’ve only got control over me, and that’s a good thing. That just because I am trying to be a more compassionate person, does not mean everyone else is. Just because I think that forgiveness is important, does not mean others do or will. Just because I am a friend who tries to be there for others in their time of need, does not mean that others are the same. That the whole give and take thing, while rationally sound, is not necessarily true.

But it gets lonely sometimes. You think people would reach out more, but they don’t. But realistically, in my own case, that perception correlates to the fact that I often do reach out. I initiate a lot of interactions. So then I feel despondent when others don’t do the same. And when you feel especially low, you just don’t feel like telling someone, or asking them to hang out…and if you do and they say no, even the most reasonable excuse in the world seems shaky and like a rejection. You get irrational and think they just don’t like you anymore. Maybe you’re not as “fun” anymore. Maybe it’s because you’ve gained a few pounds or don’t smoke weed or don’t enjoy drinking and dancing the night away. They’ve simply gone off you. You’re not in their fun, secret club anymore.

Whatever.

To make yourself feel better, you tell yourself you’re better on your own, anyway. You’ll make your own secret club and everyone else can just screw off. Your secret club is Members Only. (Or Member Only, as it were.)

So, that is the desperate, downward spiral in a nutshell.

We have to feel good about ourselves as individuals in order to be happy…we have to make our own happiness. As much as we love others, we need to find the love inside ourselves, and let it light up our hearts and souls. I think a person who loves herself or himself is like a beacon. They attract others. It’s their energy. And much of this energy comes from the love they have inside, that they spread to others. It’s good and wholesome and contagious. That is the kind of energy I want coursing through my veins and spreading all throughout my being. I want to spread love and cheer.

I don’t want to care about the petty things or the little picture. I don’t want to whine or complain about those things. I want to expand. I want to grow my mind, my heart, my soul, my artistry, my intellect. Sometimes, when I am listening to music and in deep contemplation, I feel something like a quickening. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s as though something is transforming within me. I can feel it pulsing as I mentally search for answers to deep questions.

I felt such a deep sadness last night as I lay in bed thinking of my children and my life. Thinking of life as a process that could end at any time for me…not that I know where I would go next. I’m not a believer of heaven or hell. I am more inclined to believe in going to another level of sorts. But, anyway, I was thinking about my children and how they are already, at the tender ages of 9 and 11, growing away from me in certain ways. How I am trying to savor the closeness with them, but they are becoming independent and will one day leave the nest. And perhaps move far away. Perhaps I won’t see them often. Perhaps one day, they won’t want to spend time with Mom. It could be education, work, or family-related. Then it would be me and my husband. And suppose he died first? Suppose it would just be me all alone. I thought of the people at the rehab center living out their old age alone in little rooms eating over-processed foods and receiving cards from strangers at holidays (bless them!) but nothing from family. I thought of the disconnects. The why’s. And I felt bitterly sad over it all. And I felt I must live as fully and deeply as possible, and love everyone as fiercely as I could, because who knows how long it will last? One day love may be a scarcity. It may be a sympathetic glance from a stranger at Christmas time. It may be a Valentine’s Day cookie clumsily frosted and decorated by tender-hearted child. It may simply be a hand squeezing my shoulder when I can no longer see or hear. And so I must savor every last drop of love while I am able. I must give it, take it, and share it. And not lose faith in it, come what may.

Love is the answer to all questions.

The Cord that Binds

It is difficult for me to articulate exactly why I haven’t written on my blog in so long. There were many days that I said, I am going to blog. I have so much catching up to do. But then, it didn’t happen. And each time I felt the same disappointment in myself. I have a lot of responsibilities, and my blog has been shoved to the bottom of my list AGAIN, which I have preached against repeatedly.

So I’ve gained some of my lbs. back, and, once again…well, it seems this is going to be an annual thing…I have to plot how I am going to get back to where I was, when I was feeling really good and healthy, and just better as a person. Some months back, probably before Halloween, because that is when everything goes to hell in a handbasket for me, I would get up out of bed nice and early, put on my workout clothes and get outside immediately for morning exercise. As my favorite mix of songs began, positivity surged through me and set the tone for my workout. This was typically brisk walking with jogging intervals or a bike ride. I had difficulty adhering to my weights program, but I did it frequently enough that I felt leaner and stronger in the right areas. I spent a few minutes of my day meditating and found that it made a tremendous difference.

So what the hell happened?

Well, I’ve been going through some things. Number one, I just turned 40. I’ve felt more emotional. I’ve felt super fragile over the last few months…some of which may be related to hormones. I’ve felt myself wrapped so tightly so much of the time. Like an angry bobbin about to spin herself into flames. The tension has been so much at times that I’ve felt torn between screaming and crying. I’ve struggled in several personal relationships and have made mistakes. Some of the mistakes I’ve already made before, and then, I just feel like, what’s the use? I’m tired of chasing things, people, friendships, ideas, plans, projects. I get frustrated and feel rejected, and tell myself, that’s fine…it wasn’t me, anyway. That is what I tell myself when I want to feel better. That it just wasn’t a good fit. It’s a sort of self-soothe maneuver that works better than others I have tried in the past.

So earlier I was in the shower — I always take hot showers to relax and unwind — which is a funny term because I was about to say that I was imagining myself all bound up with cord. That is how I have been feeling…just strung so tightly. So I stood there and imagined these cords gradually loosening from around my body, and then as each one loosened, it floated up and away from me…and I realized those cords represented things I needed to just release…people/ideas/thoughts/things that just are no longer serving me in a way that is good or needed. And I think I was releasing them right then and there. There was some grief involved because it is hard to let go. It is so hard to change, even though I know it is for the better.

So, anyway, here I am. Unraveled. Open to new Realities. I feel good. Gratitude for all I have received in every area of my life. I’ve been so fortunate. I’ve been the type to think, “What more could I ask for?” for so long, though. The more I study the Law of Attraction and other metaphysical concepts, the more I realize, that sort of thinking may actually have held me back in some ways. So, while I’m not longing for some vast wealth situation (although I wouldn’t turn that down, LOL), I’m going to be meditating on what I *do* want as an entrepreneur. I’m going to create a vision board. I’m going to write a lot down. I have a class in a few weeks on licensure, taxes, law, etc. I’m really excited. I’ve wanted to do something for myself for so very long – something where I am the boss – where I am the one creating something. I’ve realized now that I want to create out of my kitchen. I’m good at what I do. I know a few key people. I know who I would want to market to…who would care about my product and benefit from it. There is no reason for me to believe I could be anything less than a success. And that is how I am going to think from here on out.

Tomorrow will be a day of cleansing, and I’ll crack open my Tosca Reno Clean Eating book. It always helps me to get back on track, and I’ll feel better after a few days of solid eating. I’m doing Pilates with another committed friend, and hopefully walking with my sister (we have been meeting at this great trail at the park). She walks really fast, just like me. We can book it and connect. I wish my older sister lived closer and could join us in the mornings because she, too, walks fast. It must be hereditary.

I’m still playing my cello, which I love. It’s a stress-reliever for me. I’m buying a guitar soon as well. Something small. I’ve learned that my favorite thing to do when I’m not wrapped up in all my other responsibilities is to play music. That currently might be singing, piano, viola, cello, or xylophone. Guitar will be such a nice addition.

That’s it for now. I’ll formulate an actual plan next time. But don’t worry. I’ll blog sooner in the future, and I feel so much better after writing (like I’ve had another release, but in a different way), that I know I’ll do really well over the next few days.

Gratitude to you all for reading my post.

Support – Find it, Love it, Use it, Keep it

I have about 13 minutes to post but I wanted to catch everyone up. I’m doing really well! I’m about 10 lbs. from my goal and have been eating healthy, exercising daily, hydrating and expressing gratitude whenever I can!I’m so fortunate to be part of a great group of women who are on similar journeys (it’s funny…I call it a journey but it actually never ends…the moment it ends, the weight comes back!). These women and I are keeping one another in the loop regarding our ideas, our progress, things we’ve unearthed on the internet, emotions, etc. We offer one another SUPPORT and I think that is #1 on my list of needs when I am trying to improve myself in any area.

I think, if you’re trying to lose weight, you should look for support. It could be a group that you visit weekly, or it could be some friends, or it could be a group on the internet. There are so many opportunities to be supported these days. We’re so LUCKY!

BUT your support system should make you feel GOOD, not BAD, about yourself. We all slip–we all make mistakes–we’re human, after all. We just need to pick ourselves up and get back onboard. No one in a support group is going to condemn you for a slip. If they do, they probably shouldn’t be offering support.

When I feel good inside, I feel motivated. When I feel down, I don’t. It’s great when others can help you to push on. I’m less likely to drop the ball COMPLETELY when I feel supported.

My sister and I were talking the other day about suffering and how critical it is to personal growth. If you don’t suffer and endure hardships or grieve, then you don’t feel as happy in the good times. We talked about how the notion of quick-fix, instantaneous happiness (in the social media age) just doesn’t apply to real life. You really have to TRY to work through hardships, through the bad things and times, and that is how you grow as an individual. This trickles down to our children when they see it. It’s important that they learn that mistakes are important, not something to be ashamed of. Do we like to screw up? Do we want to do the wrong thing? No, of course not. No one LIKES the pain involved in mistakes. But we just don’t appreciate life as much if we don’t feel the pain.

So, when I screw up on my diet (or anywhere else in life, for that matter), I say to myself, It’s okay. I guess I needed that screw-up. Let me think on that one. Let me just LOVE the heck out of that mistake. My mistakes are me…my pain is me…just like any other part of me. I have to love the crappy parts of myself to love my whole self. I am going to sit with my feelings on things before I make that mistake again. I really don’t WANT to make the same mistake…so, what am I really looking for? Will it actually be achieved by taking this action? Usually, the answer is no. It’s a quick fix. A Band-Aid. It’s an easy non-answer.

Love your mistakes, then try to do better. But even if you don’t do better next time, love yourself, anyway. Always try again. Every day, every minute, we can always try again.

When No Leads to Yes, And it’s a Very Bad Thing

Very quick personal update on me, and then I’ll dive into what I want to talk about. I’ve lost about 6 lbs. over 6 weeks, which is a very healthy weight loss. I’m about 14 lbs. from goal at the moment. I’ve been doing a lot of the usual stuff I advocate here – hydrate like it’s going out of style, eat mostly fresh, whole foods/food combos, exercise daily (except for 1 rest day), and meditate for at least 5 minutes. That’s really a micro-meditation session, but it’s better than nothing, which was my norm. I’m reading Marianne Williamson’s “Enchanted Love” right now; I encountered it the other day after recommending her transformational “A Return to Love” to a friend. It’s about romantic love, relationships – and the Divinity that permeates love. I’m trying to make time for cooking (particularly loving making and prepping healthy foods), reading, meditation, cello, and obviously family and work. I’m loving working part-time because, although it is a hectic schedule, I am able to do most of the things I aim to, and take care of the house and family as well. Focusing on ME, and saying YES to putting ME first in the realms of good nourishment, exercise, and meditation (whether I am sitting there ohm-ing or am in my kitchen massaging kale or am at my cello trying to get it right for the umpteenth time or am at my piano clumsily composing or am striding down the beach listening to podcasts about Uganda and Jillian Michaels’ new chickens) IS UTTERLY ESSENTIAL to my personal success. It’s time to stop the ridiculous notion that everyone else must come before me, and this self-sacrificing existence is the way a good mom or spouse should be. Because it just isn’t so. When you’re doing everything for others and never doing for yourself, you get run down and depressed. And, for me, that’s when I hit the bars. And by bars, I don’t mean for cocktails. I mean, ice cream bars. DQ being a favorite. And drive thru’s. Have you ever noticed that those little areas where they hand you the food look like bars? It’s like they’re handing you a drink, every time you reach over for that bag. I was such a drive thru junky…I couldn’t bear to just drive home after drinking with friends, and nearly always hit that Taco Bell drive thru.

But that isn’t what I meant to talk about at all! I just got off on a mad tangent.

So, I wanted to talk about restrictive diets. I know, I know. Some of you are on restrictive diets and they are working for you, and if that’s the case, please know that I applaud your success. I applaud the success of anyone who is dieting because you’re trying to make a change, and that’s hard work. It’s NOT EASY. And I think that a lot of diets do work if you really apply yourself.

But the problem I have with restrictive diets is that there is a high degree of regain. On occasion, a person needs to give a particular food up. COMPLETELY. It’s such a problem, like a drug or alcohol, for example, that you just need to say, ADIOS! No more. I’ve tried REALLY HARD a few times to give up sugar. I’ve found that when I eat sugar (candy bar, cake, ice cream, pastry, etc.), my brain then longs for salty fried or fatty foods like potato chips, burgers, fries, pizza. It seems like, for me, sugar and fat are bosom buddies. Partners in crime. If I have one, the next thing I know, I’m clamoring for the other. A typical scenario is the movies. If I eat the popcorn, I want the candy as well.

I’ve given up on trying to give up sugar, though. Why? Because of the deprivation factor. No one likes to run around feeling like a martyr for not eating something. I mean, what the h? So nowadays, I really do try to enjoy something small now and then. A splurge. I’ve gotten way better at saying no to A LOT. For example, the kids received candy bars from a friend the other night at dinner. It was a brand very similar to my favorite (Cadbury Dairy Milk) and I almost stole a piece, but I didn’t. I just ended up deciding that I’d rather indulge in something that I really-really wanted. The same thing at my music teacher’s (she’s smiling while reading this because she knows the exact dark-chocolate-contemplation moment I’m thinking of). When you say, no, no, no, I can’t have that, it just makes you desire it EVEN MORE. And before you know it, you aren’t just stealing a cookie from the jar. You’re using the jar as a trough and breaking into a sealed can of cake frosting you saved for an emergency dessert. Sometimes it’s important to just have your cookie and be done with it. Trust me, your mentality is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than a slippery slope into a gallon of Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche.

I hear a lot of “I Don’t Eat Carbs. Carbs are BAD!” First of all, my opinion is, no REAL food is bad. Carbs are definitely not bad and are essential to the human body. A lot of people think bread is BAD. Also white rice and pasta. First of all, I’m not down on gluten, so I’m not going to go there except to say, obviously, if you feel you have a sensitivity to gluten, don’t eat it. But that aside, should you not eat bread? Well, I don’t know what the big deal is. I love bread. You can chose bread that is of higher quality and that contains less processed grains, some seeds…heck, you can buy sprouted grain breads which are excellent. Or you can just do like I do and bake your own bread every week. You can experiment with using half whole wheat flour and half bread or all-purpose flour. You can try out different non-wheat flours if you like. Bread is NOT that hard to make at all, and is very cheap. The most work that goes into it is kneading. I have a bread machine, which I refuse to use. My husband uses it. I am a purist who sniffs at its unnecessary gargantuan existence in my otherwise-useful kitchen. But, like I said, he uses it. I do kneading by hand, and, for goodness sake, it’s only 10 minutes. What’s going to happen to your hands in 10 minutes of kneading? To me, it’s therapeutic. Am I going to develop rheumatoid arthritis? No. In fact, it’s a good exercise for me because I play cello. But, anyway…another tangent. Baking your own bread is AWESOME, and you should give it a try. Most of the time it takes to produce bread may be attributed to its rising times, where you are doing nothing at all but your bread is happily growing in a bowl under a towel. You could be sitting around reading blogs! So don’t get worried by the several hours it might say for preparation time. In regard to pasta, you could always try a more grainy variety. You can get pasta made out of many different grains these days. You can try whole wheat pasta, which has a nuttier taste and consistency. It takes some getting used to. We eat it on occasion here, but we also eat several other types of noodles. We also eat the regular white ones. We also make our own pasta sometimes. Now that one IS difficult (not the making of the dough for the pasta, but, rather, using our hand-crank machine which does tend to get persnickety). Rice – so many varieties available. The key for me, I’ve found, is NOT saying no to white bread, white pasta or white rice. But, rather, eating them a little bit here and there, and eating other varieties of them as well.

I eat at least 2 grains per day in meals. So, it could be oatmeal, pasta, bread, rice, crackers, quinoa, bulgur, etc. So, I don’t eat A LOT of grains, but I do eat some. It’s important to me to get those types of carbs into my diet because I know that I will feel deprived otherwise. And I know that they’re good for me.

You can also get carbs from vegetables and fruits. Carbs ARE NOT the devil, I can assure you.

Now onto fats. OILS and NUTS and other good fats…for example, I love avocado (which is a fruit but has some AWESOME high-quality fat)…these fats are VERY GOOD FOR YOU. Fats are good for digestion but I’ve noticed they do some other things as well that we may not even be thinking about. When I eat healthy quantities of good fats, I feel SATIATED. Meaning, I feel satisfied. I’m less likely to have a binge or feel deprived, if I had olive oil, nut butter, or avocado. When you tell someone they must say NO to fat, holy son-of-a-gun, that is the WORST FEELING EVER (if you are the person who has received this unfortunate death knell…I mean, news). Fat adds so much flavor to foods. It complements it. You don’t need a ton, and shouldn’t overeat it. Moderation. BUT food without fat is just so blah. Then you’re desiring it so much. And you keep telling yourself you can’t have it. Because that would be “bad.” You don’t want to be “bad” and gain weight, right? You want to be good! Fat must be “bad,” because I am fat, right? A fat person shouldn’t eat fat, right? Common sense! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! It’s bull. You do need fat. Eating healthy fat as part of your diet will make you LESS fat all around. Because it will help you feel normal about your eating. It’s not so very different when you can add some fat. You feel less deprived. You think, you know what? I can live with this. Heck, now that I’ve been experimenting a bit, I realize, I think I actually like this. I can do this. It’s manageable.

When you eat carbs and fats in moderation along with your protein, you feel SO MUCH BETTER. I’m telling you, there is NO MIRACLE DIET out there. It doesn’t exist. The miracle lies in our ability to get to know ourselves. What’s important? Is it more important to shed the weight by X date or X event (realizing you’re going to regain it because the diet totally sucks), or is it more important to realize, hey, it might take me a little longer if I do it this way, but I can reach my goal and better sustain it. I’ll be in control. I’ll like what I’m eating…I will adapt…I won’t be different and have to turn stuff down at all the gatherings. Sure, I’ll need to be disciplined to a degree, but that’s absolutely normal in so many situations in life. But I can do this. I realize, there’s no QUICK FIX. I realize, there are so many companies out there that want to TAKE MY CASH. Cash I could be spending on good food for my body, and for my family’s bodies. Heck, I could be out in the backyard planting my own good food instead of putting it into the pockets of these so-called professionals.

There’s something very rewarding about taking control of your own destiny.

So, don’t waste another minute on all the “No’s” of deprivation diets. Say yes to eating foods that are good for you. You CAN have it all. I mean, maybe you can’t eat ALL the bread in the bakery, but, sheesh, you can have a slice with breakfast! YES, you can.

Take control. Don’t give it over to quacks that are looking to take your money for advice, programs, supplements, etc. What are you going to do…buy big canisters and envelopes of crap to throw into blenders for the rest of your life? Really? Does stuff that processed really seem “good” for you?

NO.

Trust me. Put your money back into your pocket, and then do these things:

1. Drink 8 glasses of water per day, then more as you are able.
2. Eat good whole foods (a combo of carbs/proteins/fats) – at least 3 meals per day – it all fits on 1 plate.
Good snacks like fresh fruit with nut butters or yogurt, etc., are cool in between, but not needed by all people.
3. Move your body daily for 1 hour. (Start at 20 minutes if you aren’t exercising at all, work up to 30 minutes the following week, then up to 45 minutes, then up to 1 hour. You could even do two 30-minute sessions if you like.)
4. Say thank you. For life. For family. For friends. For sunshine. For air. For whatever you feel gratitude for. Listen closely. You might be surprised.
5. Do what you love for at least 15 minutes per day. Play your instrument. Paint a picture. Read a book. Pore over blogs. Play with your dog. Bake a cake (yes, you heard right! Enjoy a piece and share with family and send your kids off to neighbors with remaining slices…whose heart won’t be warmed by a lovely slice of cake?). Watch a funny show. Toss your kids around on the bed.

Trust me – I say this as someone who has YEARS of experience, and who is NOT after your money:

YOU’VE GOT THIS!

The Necessary Micromanagement of Myself

I plan to write a more thorough entry this weekend after I have weighed in for the week. Weigh-in day for me is Friday. But yesterday I had planned to write and the day got away from me. To be fair, I am on vacation this week, so I’ve been spending time with my husband and also attending various appointments, and having people over to check on the house, etc. So, there has been a lot going on. I was so tired last night, and felt bad for not having written on my blog, but, on the other hand, I felt productive.

I’ve used MyFitnessPal for the past few weeks because I find that when I am really trying to get back “on it,” MyFitnessPal is a great tool. It just helps to keep me in check. Is it an exact science? Take a gander at one food entry and its hundred entries with a sometimes drastic range of calories, and the answer is an easy “no.” But I’ve got a really good understanding of calories after focusing on dieting for many years, so it’s usually easy for me to discern which is the closest to accurate. So, it’s a ballpark calorie app, essentially. And you can put your cardio exercise in, and it will allow you more calories, etc. So that’s good, too. Besides technical shortcomings, which I am more than willing to overlook, the only thing I really don’t like is the amount of time I spend logging foods. So I don’t plan to do this forever, just until I’m back where I was, which will be in about 14 lbs.

When I was down there at 139, I was able to maintain for a good 6 months without using MyFitnessPal.

Herein lies the revelation that I need to micromanage myself to a great extent in order to maintain a healthy body weight. I can’t let it fall apart again. I’ll need to have a smaller window of what’s OK concerning weight gain/fluctuation. I’m thinking 5 lbs. is the perfect number for me. So I’ll always need to weigh myself once per week, and that’s OK. If I find myself 5 lbs. heavier than 139, I’ll need to log onto MyFitnessPal and use it for a little while. It makes the process much easier. I’ll need to be mostly conscious of my food/drink choices. I’m just never going to be that person who “doesn’t worry about that.”

This can sometimes feel a little…meh. When I’m out with friends, I indulge SOME but I rarely let my eating/drinking just go out the window. My body chemistry is such that, if I do that, I will gain weight dramatically. So I must limit alcoholic beverages (and plan for them, in fact) and eat high-calorie foods very modestly, or ignore them. I’m the dorky one who isn’t “letting loose,” who is logging her food in a dark corner, rather than tearing up the dance floor. But I’m okay with that. I like being me. I like being somewhat prissy and reserved. Because when I go off the deep end, a few weeks later I’m 10 lbs. heavier, and I just can’t have that anymore. I’d rather feel continuously good about myself than “feel good” for a few hours, and suffer later.

This goes for exercise as well. I need 45 to 60 minutes per day, or else the scale moves up. So it must be a priority and that’s that.

I am my own Manager, and it’s a full-time job. So I’m just going to pay attention.

Fall Has Provided Its Nudge

Today many of us Floridians were greeted by cool weather. While I’m sure a great many snuggled deeper into their covers, this Maryland transplant got her arse (OK, I’m also a UK transplant) moving to lovely Crescent Lake Park in St. Petersburg, FL, to enjoy a brisk walk. I saw lots of other walkers, young and old, and experienced a greater sense of joy than usual as we collectively savored autumn’s preliminary embrace. I always receive an abundance of smiles when I walk or bike (probably because I am a grinning fool, myself, when I am feeling good), but today we were smiling and saying a lot of hello’s. I felt blessed by the old woman moving slowly but steadily in her worn Reeboks and the 2 year old toddler who laughed as sun glinted in his eyes when he beamed up at me. I quickly sidestepped him as he wobbled by happily. We all walked, bobbed, sauntered, skipped, jogged, ran and danced along, partnering enthusiastically with our long-lost friend, Fall, who nudged us from our sleep this morning with a cool whisper, “I’m here! Wake up and join me. I’m waiting just outside!”

This seasonal awakening couldn’t come at a better time for this middle-aged woman (40 in less than a month!). No longer can I dwell in a reverie of “tomorrow I will do it” or “I can take a break here and there.” For some, this is a reality, but not for me. These days, “taking a break” means one meal, not one day of crap meals. Exercise must be consistent and it must be 1 hour per day if I aim to lose weight. Just 30 minutes combined with healthful diet equals maintenance. No exercise or 30 minutes a few times a week, even with a great diet, leads to weight gain. That is why so many people gain weight and break down as we age. Our metabolisms adjust. So if you get older and exercise less and don’t cut back dietwise, you typically gain weight.
I was down 1.4 lbs. this week when I weighed in, which was encouraging. I had just gotten my cycle, so I technically should have been heavier. That meant I was doing a bang-up job. I was proud. I went out for drinks with one of my favorite people in the world, S, and I did really well. Only 2 drinks (no sugar) – these vodka concoctions with fresh cucumber juice and lime – and best of all, I did not find myself in a drive-thru on the way home, which I used to do serially! It was an awful closet-eater behavior. My friend R made me feel so much better the next day about that…it is wonderful not to feel alone! I have been so privileged to be a part of an awesome women’s support system for the last few weeks. It has really helped.

I’m eating well, drinking lots of water and herbal tea, have cut an obscene amount of calories out of my coffee (just 1 tsp sugar + 1 tbsp h&h vs. mindlessly dumping mass amounts of both previously), meditating and feeling grateful, and playing my cello and piano.

There are a few things that aren’t perfect, but whose life is without a few wrinkles. This is my life and I have much to celebrate and enjoy. I’m me. I may not be what others want at all times, but I’m OK with that. I don’t care to get drunk. I don’t care to get loud and obnoxious. I don’t care to do drugs. I guess to some, I might seem boring or repressed. But I promise, I’m not. I’m happy just as I am, right where I am…unaltered.

For the moment, I am feeling quite satisfied being me.

Back to Workin’ It

Friday I was 156.8 – this was an improvement over the prior week (158.6). I want to especially thank my friend R. who helped re-motivate me when I was feeling somewhat blah. Now R. and I and several of our other friends are participating in a supportive women’s group that is concentrating on weight loss and improved wellness. Support ALWAYS helps.

You may remember last year when I got down to 139, my lowest in SO LONG. I can’t say precisely what happened that “caused” my re-gain but there were a few things that contributed. I re-introduced meat into my diet. (When I eliminated meat from my diet, I lost 10 lbs.) There were some personal challenges I dealt with concerning marriage and children. And I think as the scale went up (I was still weighing most of the Fridays), I thought I could get a handle on it when needed. But finally I had to admit, it was out of hand (this was when I got into the 150’s). So I’m just happy to be back on it!

I feel good. I’m exercising, hydrating, and doing guided meditation most days. It’s important to express the inner and outer gratitude for what we have. I’m practicing cello EVERY DAY. That is a 1st for me. I told my teacher last week that I wished I could do that (practice for a short session daily as opposed to just a few times a week for a painfully long time because I am trying to cover everything). And it dawned on me that I can do it. It’s all about prioritizing. If cello means THAT MUCH to me, then I am going to have to make time. I am going to NOT-DO some things, and that’s that.

This week I need to do something I haven’t done in many months: weight/resistance training.

This all started with a shoulder injury many months ago, and I had no idea how it happened. I had to stop playing viola and stop lifting weights or really anything on that side. Long story short, it has cleared up. I still experience some strain on that side if I play viola (more than about 3 songs), but I also have it a bit on the other side if I play cello for a long time (although I can play for considerably longer). I think I am just getting old. I’m deteriorating in some ways. It’s life. It’s what happens. I wish I could say, we just don’t break down and the clock can be stopped or turned back. But, no, that’s just not true. So, we have to do our best–if we care–to be in optimal health for the time we are here. To try to stay ahead of that time when we aren’t able to do as much. When our functionality has been considerably lessened…when we as Life’s little gadgets, are worn out and must be put on a shelf. I’m not trying to be depressing, but the time will come for all of us unless we are taken out in some accident.

I want to be around for a very long time, and be of service to others–particularly to my children. If they choose to marry, have children, etc., I’d like to be able to help them. I’d like to be able to help others. I know that this phase of my life–of taking care of the house while working part-time and spending most of my time mothering–is finite. My days are numbered. Different things will happen when my babies leave the nest–and I want to be prepared to embrace those changes with a passion!

Goals for This Week:

1. Eat veggies/fruits daily.
2. Smaller portions of meat.
3. Weight/resistance training.
4. Daily meditation.
5. Cardio 45 min. daily.
6. Hydration – 12 cups (3 of my water bottles).

Be well, everyone!

Liebster Award Answers – Survey Says…

Thank you, Diaries Are Too Mainstream, for nominating me for this award. I think people are having some fun with this, so I, too, will join in. Why not?

1. What’s one of your most memorable experiences?

Screaming with my little sister from the sleep cabin of my mom’s truck driver boyfriend’s 18-wheel rig, when she had left us in there to attend a party inside someone’s house. It was dark outside and quite late, and we were only about 7 and 5-years-old at the time. She finally came out and rescued us, shuttling us into a small bedroom with 2 twin beds. I still remember lying in this stranger’s home and being afraid. My little sister crawled out of “her” twin bed and into mine, and we just held one another.

2. What’s something you regret doing?

Not living on my own for any appreciable amount of time.

3. What’s your favourite healthy food?

Hummus. Homemade, by me.

4. And what’s your favourite unhealthy food? 🙂

Hmmm…that’s a real toughie. I think movie popcorn is way up there!

5. If you could be an animal what would it be and why?

I would be a Nightingale. They are beautiful birds with a lovely call, and they sing at night. Mythologically, they are said to sing love songs.

6. What’s your favourite type of music and on what type of situations you listen to it?

Also a hard one to answer because I love so many types of music. I’m an 80’s girls at heart, though, so my go-to music is 80’s pop. I love the soundtrack to Pretty in Pink, but I also adore Madonna, Duran Duran, Billy Idol, Kajagoogoo, Cyndi Lauper, Taylor Dayne, Laura Branigan, Breathe, Hall & Oates, Phil Collins and Billy Joel, to name a few. I tend to listen to 80’s music when I want to feel younger or am feeling nostalgic. It’s like eating a favorite food, to listen to that sort of music.

7. What’s the most relaxing thing you’ve experienced?

I think it was this certain (not illegal) drug I tried once. I was TOTALLY relaxed. However, it freaked me out to feel that way, so I never tried it again.

8. What’s your favourite quote?

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.” –Anais Nin

9. What’s the most difficult part of learning to play an instrument (in this case cello)?

Not letting my unfortunate desire for perfection dampen my enthusiasm. It takes time (which one must carve out), patience (not impaling oneself on one’s bow out of frustration, as well as having the World Most Patient Teacher), and the constant reminder that errors pave the way to improvement.

10. If you could choose your age forever, what age would you choose and why?

I would choose age 6. I have a vision of my younger sister and I playing in the snow outside our house, and our parents being happy. And us being a happy family together…laughing and cuddling to good music. I remember running down the stairs to greet my father after my mom had announced, “Daddy’s home!” from across the house…just flinging myself onto him and gripping his slacks. Wrapping myself around his legs and inhaling the polished leather smell of his shoes. “Daddy!” I would say, over and over. My daddy made me snow cream at Christmas out of snow, milk, sugar and vanilla extract. My daddy rescued a baby rabbit once and showed it to me and my baby sister. We were so happy. But then it got away (we later learned it had died, but Daddy and Mommy hadn’t the heart to inform us). My daddy traveled all over the world and brought me interesting souvenirs from different countries. My mommy was beautiful and glamorous, captivating men and women alike with her charms and laughter.

11. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three items would you want to have with you?

A flint, a tarp, and a desalination kit. (I watch Doomsday Preppers. And I watched Lost, too.)

Now, apparently I am supposed to nominate someone else to answer questions that I have made up. I am going to nominate Tankgirl, however, I will totally understand if you don’t want to continue this! You are really supposed to nominate 11 people, but I am not going to do that. So, Tankgirl, if you feel up to it, here are 11 questions for you (and if you feel like nominating someone to do the same, feel free):

1. What is your favorite food?
2. What do you think of sweaters?
3. What was your favorite TV show of ALL TIME?
4. Do you drink coffee or tea, and if so, how do you take it?
5. What is your favorite song?
6. Do you sleep with or without noise?
7. What sort of exercise do you enjoy best?
8. Which of your tattoos is your favorite and why?
9. What do you love about your flat?
10. What is the best thing about dogs?
11. Do you think Facebook is getting more fun, or more annoying?