I Am Finally Writing

My blog (and now Facebook) friend Tankgirl inspired me to write this post. It has taken so very long for me to sit down and just be with my feelings and thoughts at the same time. If I could describe my life in one word, it would be “harried.” Putting the kids into public school has been such a drastic change. I’m getting my job done before they get home, usually, as well as some work around the house (or I may be running errands or at appointments). This way I can help them with homework, music practice, be sure they move along with chores, have a snack, etc. Then it’s dinner time! There’s not really much time to unwind during the day. I’m always on the move. And it’s good to feel productive–it really is. It’s just a different sort of productive.

Because I’ve focused so much on the kids–helping them to adjust to the in’s and out’s of attending school, homework, etc.–and on making sure my husband, who works so much and then is very active in his own extracurricular activities, is comfortable and taken care of, guess who hasn’t been getting as much TLC?

YOU GUESSED IT: Yours Truly.

I learned today that (and I’ve told myself this a million times) it is absolutely true that if I do not exercise in the morning, there is a 95% chance it will not happen. Not to say I’m not moving around, because, oh my gosh, I am–and I do like to do outside work like weeding, mowing, etc. But it’s not the same as walking or biking. Those two exercises are my favorites. I did run some a few days ago as part of my walk, but I don’t just go on runs. My knee acts up a bit, and then I can’t do anything, so I don’t push it and I’m all good with that.

So tomorrow morning, I will be off on a walk, and I know I’ll love myself a little more for that. It feels good and I can sing my favorite music loudly, which I love, and have always done. Embarrasses the children. Well, mainly my daughter. But who cares. Anyway, it’s better to make someone laugh than not, IMO.

Eating has been not great, and I’ve definitely put on a few pounds due to lack of focus in my diet as well as not as much or as intense exercise as I used to perform. Not to mention I AM TURNING 40 IN JUST 1.5 MONTHS! So my metabolism is becoming quite snail-like which is undesirable but “is what it is.” Annoying, just another thorn in my side, not that I want to be a big fat whiner, but apparently am presently.

I’m still playing the cello, which is great. Although I’m not able to practice as much as I like. I did get a few good sessions in this week. I call my cello practice Music Therapy because honestly, it is. I feel comfortable and light when I play, even when I’m screwing up. I love to play viola and piano as well, although I can only play a little while on the viola due to some weird shoulder issue that crops up after a few songs. The piano is loads of fun, and since we now own a real piano, it is played daily by my son, and usually by me as well. It’s lovely. Music is one of those things that just takes me away from all the crap!

I also love listening to music, and have for as long as I can remember. I think back to when I was about 8 years old, visiting my father for the summer and listening to Linda Ronstadt, Pat Benatar, Sheena Easton, Barbra Streisand, using his huge headphones which seem to be coming back into style. I never wanted to be anywhere else except near the stereo with those headphones. I learned to love REO Speedwagon, Styx, YES, The Doobie Brothers, Pink Floyd, Queen. I was enamored with Madonna and dressed as her for Halloween for several years. Just a few weeks ago, I was able to see Tori Amos, one of my favorite singers, in concert. It was amazing. She played a grand piano and a keyboard at the same time. The keyboard was behind her. She turned and sat sideways on the bench, playing her left hand on the piano and her right hand on the keyboard. Later they swapped the keyboard for an organ, and she played piano and organ together…not to mention singing all of her lyrics! Amazing stuff. I felt privileged to be a part of the audience.

My favorite Tori Amos song is Space Dog:

I used to sing as well, but I haven’t in a long time. I give private vocal lessons to kids now and then. It’s a lot of fun. I may get back into singing sometime. It takes the right person to collaborate with, the right project, the right feeling. It’s not something I can do with just anyone.

So I think I will make a short list of attainable goals for tomorrow. I would like to get back down to where I was weight-wise when I was happier. Or maybe I was just a bit more outgoing or more confident. I’m not really sure if I was or wasn’t. But it always feels that way when you’ve put on some padding, if you know what I mean:

1. Exercise in the morning
2. Drink water (start in the morning)
3. Eat breakfast after exercise
4. Fruit/veg UP — Meat/cheese DOWN
5. Think positive
6. Express gratitude

That seems long enough. I feel sleepy. I wanted to think of something lofty or witty, but I’m too tired. Body needs rest. Awareness is the first step.

Combatting the Silent (Yet Deafening, Soul-Draining) Blah’s

I’m not sure where this post is going, but it’s been way too long since I wrote anything halfway productive, and I don’t want to seem to be hiding. Which I have been doing. But am stopping right now.

This morning I weighed 156 (point something I don’t recall). I have gained 16 lbs. over the past several months. I remember when I was around 146, and that was when alarms began sounding, and then around the end of April I was 149 – ten lbs. heavier than my lightest weight – and at that point I was freaking. Well. Being 156, you might think I was REALLY LOSING IT, but, sadly, no, that’s not at all what’s going on. I’m trying to evaluate how this has happened (the regain) and putting my thoughts down here will help.

I go into a hibernation kind of phase when I surpass the freak-out phase. The hibernation phase is a time of apathy, more or less. It’s not a tearing down of myself or extreme shame (which I did used to experience, and that was awful). Very luckily, I’ve learned enough to know that those feelings are counterproductive, and really are some parts of myself that (for whatever reason) want to delay or prevent my personal happiness. So I do my best not to beat myself up. But the apathy…the blah’s…they’re really not good.

The Blah’s

1. Don’t want to get out of bed (whereas I used to have my workout clothes prepped, and get out of bed early to get my walk or bike ride in…and I felt energized afterward)

2. Don’t care as much about making good food choices (OK – I eat, for the most part, really healthy food…but I’ve not been exercising moderation where previously I consciously did. So on occasion I’m just mindlessly shoveling/Hoovering food, rather than truly experiencing the pleasure of eating, which is important to me)

3. Have Another One! (I have been drinking more alcohol than I used to – another moderation issue…I don’t drink a lot, but these ciders are about 220 cals. each!)

4. Oh, the Excuses and Aches/Pains (I’ve told you about my left shoulder – well, I saw the ortho this week and he wants me to try physical therapy. So several months ago I stopped weight training because of the shoulder. ALL weight training…WHY? No good reason. I also stopped raising all my cardio intensity. WHY? *shrug* I guess it’s the blah’s again. I’ve also got intermittent right wrist pain and would you believe that I pulled my right calf muscle a few days ago? Who knew that was possible?! I’ve never injured that muscle in my life. How did I do it? Simply by leaning way forward to try to reach something. Awful hot flash of sudden pain in back of right calf. By next day it was feeling not as bad so I took a walk. It started hurting. I decided to walk through the pain and finish, rather than stop. What a stupid decision. Anyhow…I’m experiencing some strains and joint things that really make me feel blah and not push myself to exercise as much (except that day where I did overdo…I rested the remainder of the day and then today I did another walk, which I cut short when I felt a little something in my calf). It’s hard to tell yourself to rest and recover, because then you’ll be good as new and be able to achieve what you did before, when you never do recover, and all these other body things keep popping up. Maddening.

5. My friends and family love me, anyway, no matter how I look. (Well, of course they do, dork! BUT that doesn’t mean taking care of myself isn’t important. It absolutely is. So put down the book and dark chocolate with hazelnuts and take a bike ride!)

6. I can’t do it if my husband won’t be a team with me. (That’s silly. You already did do it when he wasn’t onboard. Keep focused and stop using him for a blah excuse.)

—

Okay, enough of the Blah’s.

—

I remember when I was a little girl and my parents were still together, that if I got a good report card, my parents took me to Carvel! That was a long way back. Once they split, I just saw my dad once a year, and he spent most of our 3-4 week visit taking us out to eat. He always took us to Friendly’s for ice cream. I looked forward to it all year. Another place he took us was to a small stand for snow cones. And lots and lots of McDonald’s. Although I know McDonald’s is not great for me, I always feel nostalgic about it because of my dad. For years I ordered a Filet-o-Fish, which he introduced me to, hot fries and, if we were going to breakfast, Egg McMuffins and Hash Browns. I still go there for Egg McMuffins from time to time. I even feel romantic about their (sorry, pathetic) sundaes, and I think of a time when they used to put your nuts on for you. We’d roll back up the gravel driveway to my dad’s house (the one I lived in as a child) in Maryland, and the fun wasn’t over, because there were movies and loads of snacks and sodas. My dad’s favorite snack was and still, to this day, is Doritos. He also loved potato chips and crackers. And candy. So I guess I just realized I largely spent my summer vacations bingeing. No bueno.

Anyway, I have to do something to break out of these blah feelings. I felt so much better when my weight was lower…really energized. I’m going to have to identify some motivators, and think of those things regularly in order to escape this apathy fog I find myself wandering around in.

When I read Jamie Mendell’s blog the other day, she mentioned opening up to a friend, or just sitting with your emotions for a few minutes, rather than just mindlessly eating. Actually I think she said, if you want to eat (after doing that), go ahead. But, anyway, yes, I should open up to someone, probably. I don’t really like to open up to friends about the way I feel about this stuff because it seems really vain and silly, and not like a real problem. But, truthfully, this sort of apathy/blah stuff is a tip of the iceberg that leads to depression for me. I guess it is a little like depression (the not wanting to get out of bed, for example). Anyway, maybe I will try to talk to someone about this. We’ll see.

Otherwise, I’m really going to try to remain positive, and get myself an activity plan worked out for the week which I can post here.

 

I Really Hate Skinny Jeans (and Skinny Genes) and Target Right Now

It’s 11:04 p.m. where I live and, really, I should be sound asleep. I’ve slept horribly the last few nights. On Sunday, I woke up around 2:45 a.m. and just never got back to sleep; then yesterday I did (finally) fall asleep around midnight, and then my son woke up, suffering a night terror. I heard him crying and skittering around upstairs, and so I grabbed my glasses, or, well, attempted to in the dark, and of course they went sailing off my side table. I finally found them, ran out of my bedroom and around the corner, where I collided with my son, who was running in my direction at the same time while screaming bloody murder. So that was fun. Not. He quieted down immediately and I walked him upstairs and into the bathroom, then he went right into his bed and fell back to sleep. Myself, I was up for several more hours (again) before finally drifting off.

So, why am I writing? I felt like ranting about Target. I’m not sure it’s Target’s fault entirely, but I have been having the worst experiences there of late when purchasing clothing. Need I remind you of the bathing suit horrors (which, now that I said that, I really do hope that I posted about) where Target has apparently decided you need to be a straight up-and-down, quasi-curveless being in order to wear one of their “fun” bathing suits (mostly bikinis with bottoms that are just way too small and would be unflattering on women with curves. Not to mention their Large seems to be the circumference of my head rather than my hips. If you can’t wear one of their festive bathing suits, you can feel free to choose an entirely too “mature” swimsuit as an alternative. No, thanks. Also their lighting in the fitting rooms blows–it is beyond unforgiving. Not that I’m asking for some overly seductive ambience. But, seriously, how about not using fluorescent lighting that seemingly magnifies every flaw (keeping in mind such flaws are entirely subjective).

But tonight was not about their horrendous swimsuit selection or their tortuous lighting.

Tonight I brought my daughter to Target to pick up a few things for a trip she is taking with some family members. I’m dropping her off tomorrow night, and they leave a few hours after that for a cabin in NC where she’ll get to hike in the mountains, play in the river, and spend time bonding with one of her cousins. She needed a few warmer items, however, because the weather is nice up there right now, and it’s actually in the 40s (F) at night. We grabbed a few pair of jeans to try on, scooted into the dressing room, and that, of course, being Ground Zero for Mortification, is where the fun begins.

I mentioned a while back that my daughter has been struggling with her weight. She walks with me on occasion, bikes with her dad, plays with her friends and spends a great deal of time in the pool, but, truthfully, she still needs more physical activity. Not to mention, she really has a hard time with portion sizes, and she loves junk food. Everything she is enduring, I did as well at her age. Really, she is almost a carbon copy of myself. She’s also been a major pill lately–acting like she hates everything and everyone, saying “I know” constantly, and being generally disrespectful, unhelpful and uncooperative. It’s been really awful. I actually really snapped last night, which I somewhat regret but she has been pushing me so hard that finally I lost it. She isn’t used to me flipping my lid so it had quite a shock and awe effect. Anyway, today she was nice for about 25% of the day. I’m actually very sorry I agreed to allow her to go on this trip because now I really don’t think she deserves it. But, enough said. I’ve already committed to her going and perhaps some time away, particularly with her older cousin, will do her good.

Back to Ground Zero.

She thought she wore a particular size, but she doesn’t. She tried to  convince me that “these jeans are supposed to look this way because they are Skinny Jeans.” She is saying this while holding her breath, struggling to button buttons that “don’t work right.” Uh-uh. I know what Skinny Jeans look like. (Might I just insert here how much I despise the name “Skinny Jeans”?) Anyway, she needed 1 size larger, which I told her. She said no. I said yes. She said she didn’t want them, then. I said that was fine. We could just put everything away and leave. She “hated” the one pair of capri jeans that fit properly because they were “ugly” (they were not). On our way through the store, I pointed out some gray yoga pants with a cute design and she remarked that they, too, were “ugly.” I got REALLY UPSET with her in the store, told her I was done dealing with her BS, that she has no right to act so disrespectfully, and I didn’t want to hear one more word out of her. By this point I was walking really fast–I had promised my son he could peruse the toy aisle for 5 minutes because he brought his money. 

This is where she starts crying.

We are standing in the toy aisle and, through her tears, she tells me that she didn’t really think the things I liked were ugly, but in fact, she is upset because of her clothes size and she, herself, feels ugly. She wants to know why she keeps getting bigger and bigger, and it won’t stop, and it isn’t happening to her friends.

Off topic for a second, I want to say that in the dressing room, I showed her that there were 2 brands of jeans she was trying on that showed the same size, but 1 fit well while the other didn’t fit (too snug). I wanted her to know that it depends on the manufacturer. BUT I am annoyed how the Skinny Jeans always seem not to fit–I suppose this is because they are snug–so you need a larger size unless you want your daughter dressed inappropriately for her age, to put it nicely. I told her that we don’t care about the number because how it fits your body is what counts. 

I told her that she is gaining weight principally because she is struggling with her genetics/heredity. That she is going to struggle like me and her dad, so she is going to have to pay more attention to things like eating well and portion size, hydration and exercise. But that it doesn’t have to be a nightmare. We talked about some exercise she enjoys (walking, swimming, biking), but she wants to try something “fun” when she gets back like Zumba. She is like me and prefers to exercise alone, but I think she’s looking for variety. I am really going to be on my husband to finish assembling that basketball hoop for my mother-in-law because my daughter loves shooting hoops an dribbling. Nonetheless, she asked me to wake her up early in the morning because she wants to use the treadmill tomorrow. (It’s hot and humid where we live.) She asked if we could eat in tomorrow morning, so that we could make healthier choices. (We typically eat breakfast out on Wednesdays.) We talked about how we all need to be more active. In “French Women Don’t Get Fat,” Mireille Guiliano (sp?) says that French women don’t like the gym because it’s too much work and not enough (or any?) pleasure. Well, I get it. She said that doing a lot of little things can really add up–like doing what we did tonight. We parked in the mall parking lot and walked to all the various stores we were visiting, then back to the car (rather than moving the car around several times). She said, in a nutshell, if you don’t get enough activity in your day and you’re always looking for that closer parking spot, why are you doing that? 

I had to point out to my daughter that she is funny, smart, talented and a pretty girl. That she has a million great qualities, and is unique, and that I am very proud of her many reasons. I said I would be there for her if she wanted help. We have had this conversation before, but she has gained about 10 lbs. I would estimate, which is really bothering her. She’s only 10. I told her it’s important that we keep her changes positive. She was loving and in a good mood when she went to sleep. She knew she wasn’t alone. She is a very hard nut to crack. Really doesn’t let people in when she is suffering. She also gets that from Yours Truly. I begged her to express herself if she is upset with how things are going. I reminded her that I can’t help her if I don’t know what’s up. She is really, really tough. She will make a great police officer one day, if she still wants to do that when she is older (that is her latest profession of choice). And I’m not saying that because she can take down all the boys in the neighborhood, which she has.

So, the ending is, we went and picked out a size larger in some of the jeans, went back to the yoga pants which she admitted she actually really liked and traded 1 pair of jeans for, and then into the boys aisle for some fun t-shirts (agreeing that Target’s shirts for girls are the definition of lame–thank goodness someone who isn’t hopped up on sequins and sparkles does the boys’ designs). I lended her a pair of my boots which would be suitable for the mountains, and she was over the top with delight. We bought her a seafoam green jacket in the boys’ area which she also fell in love with. She was smiling. She tried everything on at home and it fit so well. She looked really nice. She said she felt good in her clothes. I said she looked really pretty and happy with herself. And that if she could be happy with herself, things would be a lot easier.

I’m so glad she went to sleep happy. I hope that I, too, can catch some zzzz’s tonight, at long last.

 

Fun Snacks & Times: A Pictorial

Lychees from our friend. So refreshing & delicious. Lots of vitamin C in these beauties.

Matt’s granola bars. Crunchy & loaded with oats, dates, golden raisins, wheat germ, sunflower seeds, flax seeds, almonds, honey, a bit of brown sugar, vanilla, and a tablespoon of butter. Yum!

Creamy peanut butter I made in my food processor. Never buying it again. This is the best stuff ever.

Hummus I made which is so garlicky delicious that you can’t talk to people after eating it…or perhaps you can both eat it?

Kale chips which take me a bit of time but I love making & my family & friends wipe out. My favorite way to store them is in glass jars.

Oh, ha ha! I was having a snack & a little treat. Hard cider is my favorite alcoholic beverage at the moment, but I limit it. My very favorite kind is Angry Orchard Elderflower, a seasonal hard cider. Hard cider is gluten-free.

My sweet girl & boy after their recital! She is a viola diva & he is a piano man in training.

My friends, Fowler’s Bluff!

This was a random “good sign” I came upon while driving.

Take care, everyone!

Catch up

It’s so annoying when you do something silly and your post disappears. I was just saying that things are going pretty well. Kids are on summer break, so we’re going to more fun things like the beach and meeting up with friends. I like to have people come over here to swim, and we enjoy hosting and attending BBQ’s this time of year. I’m still learning cello, which is great. I’m eating well about 75% of the time — so I’m getting in a lot of fruit, veggies, beans and legumes, and some nuts, other healthy fats, grains as well as limited amounts of meats and processed foods. Sometimes I just eat whatever…this is usually at social gatherings. And I’ve decided I just enjoy doing that. I’m exercising regularly, hydrating, taking vitamins. Now I’m taking a multivitamin for women, fish oil, glucosamine/chondroitin, and some additional ones that I think I am going to cut out because my stack of vitamins looks like an assortment of candies, which is obviously overkill. But, frankly, I’m faced with conflicting information. The RDA of certain vitamins is supposedly ridiculously low, or as my husband says, just enough so that you don’t die. But then online it says that eating too much of certain vitamins can be toxic. But how much is too much? It’s confusing, honestly.

I’m really annoyed with this laptop, which belongs to my kids. It is randomly erasing things that I am posting. It will highlight a paragraph and then poof, all gone! Usually when I hit shift and choose some punctuation or something along those lines. Very annoying.

I was saying, before my last paragraph was hijacked and vaporized, that I weighed 150 last Friday, which reflected a 4 lbs. weight loss. This was because my cycle had ended and also because of my own hard work in just getting back into the swing of good eating, exercise, hydration habits. I’m continuing along the same lines and hope to get back down to 140. I know now that I gained a bit back how obvious it is, to me, and I think a lot of it is because I’m so short, which clearly I have no power over.

It was the silliest thing. My son got into the newspaper, which was really exciting, but I could see myself in one of the pictures. It was the back of me and I saw….horror of horrors….my back rolls. The sucky part about it, although I was completely mortified, was that I completely understood how it happened. First off, I do have excess fat on my back. I always have. I’d have to be crazy lean not to have it, and then I don’t even like the rest of me. I look weird. And I have to starve myself and overexercise to get that way, which is totally unhealthy and not worth it. BUT I will say, I was kind of slumped where I was standing. I had stayed on the perimeter of the room where all the photography was transpiring ON PURPOSE to avoid being photographed. Little did I know, some crafty photographer would take a picture of the outside of the room I was in, from beyond the glass walls, to capture everything in such an artistic way. And then, online, you can click the pictures and zoom way the heck in…oh my gosh.

So my son had this close up picture taken of himself and we were all excited about it, and I was trying not to say anything about my inner freak-out over my picture. Because how many people are going to zoom in and would even care about my back rolls? And then the next day the same pictures were published IN THE NEWSPAPER as well. Okay, so the good thing is they were black and white and you couldn’t see anything or zoom. Whew. I had to really tell myself, you’re being an idiot because the whole situation was so unbelievably cool, you got to be a part of the launch of your friend’s super important project, your son got into the newspaper, you met various dignitaries and so did the children…seriously, GET OVER YOURSELF.

But that is just how insane I can be about pictures when I don’t feel confident, which apparently is how I feel when I’m not even THAT much over what I used to weigh. That’s really sad and pathetic.

So, keeping all of that madness in mind, I’m just trying to do the good things for myself and enjoy my time, and stop being such an idiot about things like that. None of us is perfect and dwelling on imperfections is so counterproductive. People are dying and starving and victims of violence, war, neglect, or just poor circumstances all over the world, and here I am worried over something that…VAIN?

Crazy.

I think God is telling me to look inward. Seriously. And so, I will do that.

Words on the Weekend

Here I am at Starbucks! I’m at a location that’s not far from Downtown St. Petersburg (FL), and what a lovely day it is today. We’re experiencing some incredible weather at the moment. If my day wasn’t already full, I would definitely be at the beach. And who knows? Perhaps there will be time after all, and I can zip over there. I’m fortunate in that I live only about a 5 minute drive from the beach! Sometimes on weekends, the kids and I will walk to the beach, and this takes about 45 minutes, but we make an event of it. The kids pack their towels into backpacks, and I bring a sheet to lie on and a good book, and of course we all take our water bottles…then we march on down to the beach. But we usually time it so that we can stop just across the street from the Public Beach Access at Beach Pizza. There we enjoy a fresh slice of pizza before meandering over to the beach to pick our spot, plop down our things and spend a few hours.

However, tonight my mom is keeping the kids overnight. I have time to write on my blog, then go for a nice long walk at a scenic park nearby, then I am meeting a dear friend for lunch at a place I haven’t been IN YEARS that I adore. (Harvey’s 4th Street Grille) It is the first place I ever ate fresh local grouper, and that is what I look forward to enjoying today. After that I will head home, practice my new Bach cello piece, do a few things around the house, and get ready to spend some time with my sweetie, who should by then be home from his Masonic thingy this morning, to which he strode out of the house, looking spiffy in his suit. We’re having people over on Monday, which is Memorial Day in the U.S.A., a national holiday, so many businesses are closed and people are off work. We have to plan our menu and compile our list of what to purchase. We also need to plan a weeklong vacation because it’s been about 6 months since we went on a trip and my husband is dying to get away. Not to mention, our children start public school in the fall (they have been homeschooling the last several years), so we will no longer be able to just go away whenever we feel like it.

My eating and exercise went mostly well this week. I had 1 day where I didn’t exercise, but remember that I haven’t been pushing myself much. Don’t get me wrong, I do walk very fast, so I’m getting a nice workout, but I’m not running, or even doing running intervals, which is really what I should be doing if I want to LOSE these 10 lbs. that I gained (I attribute some of it to eating meat again). When I ride my bike, I also need to really speed it up. It’s not like I’m just dallying around, but I know what I need to do for the results and that is, push harder in exercise. That being said, I’m really enjoying what I’m doing. I feel good while I’m doing it, I’m enjoying my surroundings, and I think that’s been a real positive because I’ve spent a lot of my life hating exercise, particularly in gyms.

I used to work in the gym as a Personal Trainer and I just loathe them now. Ick. You can make them look as flashy and modern as possible, but I still don’t want to go. To me they will always be giant rooms full of the equivalent of hamster wheels, but for people. I don’t want to be trapped indoors using machinery to improve my body. I would prefer to train outdoors if at all possible. I don’t think I could ever get excited over something like a Spinning class. Now, outdoor biking, that’s something totally different. I love biking and I go out on a trail regularly, but I’m not an expert. When we vacationed in GA one time, we were in a state park that contained a lot of hilly/mountainous terrain and tons of trees, and along came this bicyclist ripping up and down these steep hills and bumps, down into the ravine and around…oh my gosh, I was both impressed and scared! I thought of how much agility and core balance was required, the precision in his turns, the powerful quads/hamstrings he must possess to climb the steep hills on a bike, and the degree of faith it would take to even attempt this. To me, that’s a real athlete.

This is also how I feel about things like protein shakes and other supplements. Back in the day, I regularly drank protein shakes and took creatine and other things like L-carnitine and chromium picolinate, as well as Hydroxycut (fat-burner…before they took out the bad stuff). I did all this to augment my hard work in the gym. I’ve come to determine that it’s just not my thing. I do take a multivitamin, fish oil, and glucosamine/chondroitin, but I get everything else I need from a good diet of mostly whole foods–fruits, vegetables, eggs, nuts, beans, legumes, grains (oats, quinoa, rice, etc.), olive oil, some cheeses and yogurt. You couldn’t pay me to drink a protein shake these days. I can’t believe the money I spent on those tubs of whey protein–what a waste. I don’t think I ever finished 1 tub, I was just so turned off by the taste. I decided that all of those tubs of any kind of supplement were just processed crap. Not for me.

I think the 80/20 rule really applies to good nutrition and exercise as it does to so many other things in life. I think I’m probably 75/25 right now, which is enabling me to maintain my weight. I could be working harder in my exercising and tweaking my diet a bit, but I’m doing well overall and so my weight is staying where it is. This week I finished reading Bob Harper’s JumpStart to Skinny. It was a quick read and I enjoyed it. He has such a sense of humor, and the writing was very conversational. I laughed out loud a few times. I don’t really think Bob should have been blasted over the low calorie amounts he recommends in the book because he specifically says (over and over) that this is just a 3-week program meant for people getting ready for a big event. After the 3 weeks, you have to go to a higher calorie but good eating plan like his Skinny Rules or your good eating you were doing before you fell off the wagon and picked up the few pounds you are trying to drop for the event. He’s very clear about this being a short-term program. I went online and several medical doctors said your overall metabolism would not be affected by doing this program for just 3 weeks, which was good. The diet was lean protein, a ton of veggies, some fruit, and a bit of healthy fats. There was just a bit of grain/starch. Very limited. But it was really, really healthy food. He also wanted you to take an electrolyte replacement, multivitamin, and fish oil. And he wanted you to drink a ton of water, which prevents water retention, aids in digestion, etc. I thought it was great, honestly. Not for people who were anorexic because eating that few calories would awaken that cycle of regular restriction, whereas people who haven’t had eating disorders will be dying to add some more calories. But I think it was great for what it was. 

That’s when I decided I needed to get back to taking a multi-vitamin and glucosamine/chondroitin (I have joint issues–shoulder/knee), and I added fish oil for omega-3 fatty acids, etc. I also really increased my hydration, which I needed to do, anyway, but Bob’s book gave me the kick in the pants I needed. I’ve been eating a lot more veggies as well. I’m not following the entire program, but I gleaned some good things and I’m incorporating those. I find that overall, I will have several days of ultra-clean eating and then I “play” at social events on weekends, where I don’t worry about what I am eating and I indulge in a hard cider or a beer. Still, I have to watch what I choose to eat because if it’s too much fat or sugar, game over. Later on I suffer for it — nauseous, sweating, headaches, etc. It’s awful. Could also be part of getting older. I only say that because I’ve noticed that many older people have stomach issues.

Speaking of aging, I’m now reading Mireille Guiliano’s book French Women Don’t Get Facelifts. Now, I wasn’t even going to ready French Women Don’t Get Fat because I heard it was about moderation and have pretty much written that off as a possibility for myself, but I’m starting to think maybe I should stop acting like such a victim about that. It’s not like food issues have prevented me from anything (except moderation, ha ha). But, really. I’m enjoying this book so much, that I’m now thinking of reading the other one. I’m going to be 40 this year and I’m struggling a bit with the aging process. When you start seeing lines and wrinkles and your skin changes (elasticity, etc.). I remember my mom going on about this at my age, and me saying that all her wrinkles were part of her being and we loved her and didn’t care about that, and that no one did, and that she was her worst critic. Well, now I understand if she just wanted to punch me in the face for saying that. Because you can think all those sentimental warm and fuzzy things, but they don’t mean beans when you look into the mirror and realize your face is in this slow-motion free-fall. And your skin is getting leathery, etc. So Guiliano offers all this advice about various beauty treatments. She does talk about cosmetic surgery–she really believes they are not a good solution unless you’ve been maimed in an accident. But a lot of where she is coming from is taking care of yourself by eating well and hydrating, exercising, and just maintaining what you do have. Your skin, hair, and nails. You don’t have to spend a lot of money. She also talks about how to apply make-up, how much you should (or should not) wear, fashion, etc. It’s better to spend more on a high quality pair of shoes than your clothes. You should have these few fashion staples, and then you can make them into several outfits by dressing them up. I really like her mentality. I read a review of her book and the reviewer came off as having such sour grapes. Oh my goodness, it was awful. She acted like Guiliano was preaching about French women being superior. But she does not do that. She’s conversational, and it’s funny. I pulled up a YouTube of her talking about one of her books, and her voice nearly matched what I had been hearing in my head as I was reading. She has a French accent, having been born/raised in France, and that comes through in her writing as well. 

Anyway, it’s a great read. I’m going to read her other books as well. It’s so lovely to indulge in some reading! What a luxury.

That’s all I have for now. It’s time to take my walk! Be well, everyone! 

My Night #3 – Starbucks

Tonight I am at a different Starbucks than the one I went to a few weeks ago, and I think this might be a good one to stick with if I keep doing this. It’s not far from home and it’s got several empty tables, unlike several other locations that remain consistently busy. I had thought of going to downtown St. Pete to write from that Starbucks, because then I could walk around afterward and possibly take advantage of some live music. But we’ve had some scary weather today, and the clouds still look threatening. So, maybe next week. We’ll see.

Oh, jeez, I just realized I forgot to bring the book I *just* checked out of the library earlier. The new one by Bob Harper, I think it’s called Jump Start Skinny or similar. Oh, well. Primarily, I wanted to write on my blog, which I am now doing, so kudos to me. 🙂 I’ll just read later this evening.

I’ve had a pretty good week. We had a cheat night last night, meaning, we went out to dinner and ordered what we wanted. Loaded tots, 2 burgers (sliders, so small ones), onion straws. But the rest of the week we’ve been eating really well – lots of fruits, vegetables, beans and legumes. I’ve been trying to limit cheese, which I would call call my nemesis, but that’s not really accurate. I just love it and overdo if I’m not careful. Same thing with nut butters.

I’ve noticed that if I buy raw almonds, I’m much better at just eating a handful. So I’m trying to overlook the cans of mixed nuts my dear husband keeps buying. Another thing he keeps buying that I am trying to ignore is dried mango and pineapple – the sugary ones. Also the cranberries. I try to stay away from them, although probably a few would be OK. If I eat something sweet, though, I just go back to it again and again. I’m relentless and shameless once I get started. It’s sad.

I exercised every day but 1 so far since I blogged last. I’ve been alternating walking and biking, so that’s been good. Still haven’t jumped back on the weights. I just identified something that I think may have led to my left shoulder issue, so I am trying to correct it before I go back to weight training. It’s how I was sitting while working. For 4 hours per day, I have been reaching up to my laptop, rather than sitting higher and resting my hands on my keyboard. I moved my laptop to another desk with a lower slide-out area, and began sitting higher. I noticed a decrease in pain almost immediately. By the other day, not only did I have the shoulder pain, but I had also begun to experience elbow pain as well as muscular pain in my bi/triceps area. Then it hit me about my posture while working. So, hopefully over the next few days/weeks, the shoulder issue will resolve.

But I feel really good about actually enjoying my exercise! I love listening to Spotify while I exercise. I’ve been enjoying Jaymay’s Autum Fallin’ album. If you want a happy song for the morning, I highly recommend “Hard to Say.” Here is the link!

I’ve been keeping up on hydration and staying away from sugar, which *is* my nemesis.

I had a few down days where my husband kept asking me what was wrong. I miss making music with my partner. So that’s been tough. I’ve looked around a bit, but haven’t heard tracks that I like out of bands looking for vocalists. And I more or less refuse to waste my time unless I really like the sound.

But moping around is so unhelpful and counterproductive. I just need to do more reading and soul-searching. There are so many things to fill one’s life and soul with out there. I’m still doing music, after all, by playing cello and teaching voice lessons. I don’t need to sing all the time.

I think I’ll feel better about everything, the more successful I am at managing my health. It seems like sometimes we can let life get so complex, but at the end of the day, happiness is obtained quite simply. By loving and accepting love from others. And loving oneself. All day long we can say, if only I looked like X, or, if only I had X, or, things would be better if only X….but truly, none of those things equal happiness. It’s a state of mind.

I feel fortunate to have a wonderful husband, 2 healthy, intelligent, talented (although they often drive me nucking futs) children, a job to bring in some income, a house, a car, some incredible friends, and just so much more than all this. I can’t help but feel guilty whenever I read the news because there are people all over the world who have REAL PROBLEMS. Like poverty, famine, disease, violence, oppression. My life is nothing like that, and is such a gift compared to the poor hand which these fellow humans have been dealt. That I tell myself, that’s enough feeling sorry for yourself. Honestly, you should be ashamed. Your problems are a walk in the park. So get over them.

So, I am trying. I’m blessed. I’m struggling internally on occasion, but I’ll get through things.

Tomorrow is weigh day, so we’ll see how things go. I think I probably maintained. I only say so because I really have to bust my tail to lose weight these days. And while I’ve been active and eating well, I’ve not been busting my tail. I can feel it and see it in the mirror when I’m losing weight, and right now I feel pretty good but not smaller.

On another note, my husband is getting off earlier now, so he’s been trying to exercise more and has been taking either both kids or our daughter along on walks (if our son is off with his friend). He’s been swimming laps daily and also gets in with them and has fun. I’m pleased with how he’s doing – his personality is really improving because of exercising and eating better. I need to take a long walk with my daughter this weekend, hopefully Sunday. She’s still struggling with her weight and I’ve been trying to help her to feel good about herself. She was so excited to buy a new dress yesterday for her recital. It is purple and matches her glasses. Her teacher, who may be reading this, introduced her to purple as a great color for viola players, and purple has been her favorite color ever since. 🙂

She has my eating issues, however, and the slower metabolism of my husband and myself. So I’ve been talking to her (gently) about things like portions, sugar, hydration and activity. I want both my kids to know that all these things are important, but I really worry about my daughter because she’s about to start middle school, and for me during middle school, there was some mean teasing that transpired concerning my weight. I know you can’t get away from teasing. But I just want her to know that she can play an active part in feeling good about herself (inside and out) and being healthy and comfortable. I don’t agree with a certain mentality I’ve noticed about overweight children, which is something along the lines of, never discuss diet or weight loss, and just buy healthy things and get them active, because if you say those things you will psychologically damage them and create issues.

I really wish it was that easy, but it isn’t. And that’s why there are so many overweight and obese children in the United States.

I think it’s better to be honest with my child about her body, and what she needs to be mindful about, considering the genes she has inherited. She’s 10 and mature enough to handle it. I’m not going to hide the truth from her. The way I’ve put it is, basically, this is one area of your life that you need to be more mindful of. I compare it to a certain issue my son struggles with, that he has to pay special attention to in order to manage. So, she doesn’t feel alone. She doesn’t seem at all hurt, and asks to walk or bike with me on occasion. She seems to feel good about herself.

So, that is just something else I am watching in my own life…the feelings of my little one. Her self-esteem. She’s a mini-me in some ways. But I don’t want her to ever think she isn’t good enough, or pretty enough. or smart enough, and must resort to things that will hurt her later on. I want to protect her. Of course, we can’t protect our children from everything. But, we can try.

That’s it for now!

 

 

My Night, Take 2

This is a photo of a super-cool tank top that my lovely friend S custom tie-dyed for me – I love it! (I am stretching my body in a weird way to look thinner.)

Note the white-towel landscape of my bathroom as I memorialize a night out, realizing I neglected to take any pictures with my friends. So I just took this one before bed. (My husband would tease about this one because of my hand on my hip. He has noticed that over the years I tilt my body and often put a hand on one hip. On occasion he mimics me when I take his photo, but placing his hand gingerly on one hip, tilting, turning his chin skyward and batting his eyelashes.)

So tonight I find myself at Panera for My Night. I nearly forgot it was My Night because Mr. Spouse had been out late last night with work things and so today I reorganized my day around the thought of spending the evening together with him and the children. I was so busy between trying to get my work time in and some other things I was doing like monitoring the kids (although they had a lazier school day today…lots of reading, documentaries, practicing their instruments, etc.), mowing the lawn (so, so hot out), getting a tire changed, going to my mother-in-law’s house to check on things, etc.

About 6:30 p.m. when I was signing off work, my daughter announced that she and Mr. Spouse would be taking a lengthy bike ride and I suddenly realized, This is My Night. Mr. Spouse was out Monday night VERY LATE, last night he got home about 10 p.m., and tomorrow night he will be out again. I thought about how we hadn’t had time together in light of all of this, and almost decided to forgo My Night to spend time with him. But then I thought, NO. DON’T DO IT. I have been doing this for months and months. Ever since I stopped doing music with my partner ages ago, I’ve pretty much been home every night.

So, I put my foot down. It is My Night.

My husband had forgotten all about it, and agreed to just walk around our neighborhood with our daughter in tow, so he would be nearby for our son.

I packed up my laptop and left.

When I got here, I ordered the 1/2 soup (Broccoli Cheddar — never again — that was just like condensed soup from a can, but without milk or water blended in) and the 1/2 salad (Greek — I really do like it). I have my water bottle with me like always, but afterward I had a cup of hazelnut coffee and a chocolate chip cookie that I definitely did not need and regret. I’m not beating myself up over it, but it wasn’t even fully cooked, for goodness sake. Never again on the cookie. I really didn’t need it, anyway.

I’m sitting at a corner table in a comfortable seat. There was a group of older ladies across from me — I’d say they were in their early seventies — that had gathered for a quick girls’ dinner. It was so sweet. They weren’t old, really. Just older. And dressed up so nicely for their dinner. Makeup, hair, nice outfits. They made me think of my dear friend P whose mother passed away a few days ago. She was a little younger than these women…too young to pass away. I thought of P, who is one of the classiest women I’ve met, and the pain she is going through as she makes arrangements. I’m lucky to have friends like P and S, and my other dear girlfriends, and I imagine myself and P and S and others gathered together at a girls’ dinner like this one day when we are older. One woman expressed concern over money quite a bit — bills and such. She reminded me of my mom. Another woman leaned in close to say she’s been having such a good time with a repair man working on her house.

“Enjoy it, honey. Enjoy it now,” another of the ladies said across the table, and all three of them nearly collapsed into their salads in giggles.

Yes, enjoy it! I thought, smiling down at my laptop, enormously glad that a few wrinkles and lines don’t sap life of unexpected pleasures.

I’ve had a not fantastic eating week, but it hasn’t been awful. Although yesterday was not good. I ate too many carby foods, like breads and things. I go through this cycle where I say, I really cannot eat things like this, so I won’t. I do great. Stay very controlled, lose weight, feel confident, and then, I say, well, I can have some. So then I try it, and I do well for a few days, then I totally lose control and eat a ton of carbs, feel awful, beat myself up. Then there are a few days of, let’s just try this again. But the reality is, I just cannot master some.

All around me, people eat some bread/chips/crackers/pasta, and do not overeat it. However, I just can’t. Why? What is wrong with me? It’s so annoying.

I’ve been exercising this week, but I’m feeling not so motivated. I wish it didn’t take an event to motivate me. I wish I just wanted to work really hard when I exercised because it would be good for me. But I don’t. I really have to force myself. I’ve ridden my bike a few times this week, though, instead of walking. I really worked hard because it had been a while since I biked. So that’s a good thing. I have a great route that takes about 50 minutes. I’m trying to do that a few times a week. It’s also scenic. I’m hoping I can get myself re-motivated fitness-wise.

We picked a lot of vegetables from our garden lately — cucumbers, lettuce, green beans. The kids eat the strawberries when they see ripe ones, so none have entered the house. It’s been neat eating salad out of our garden.

I’ve been mostly staying hydrated, but today wasn’t so great. I’m still making up for it now. Ugh.

Here was another screw-up for the week. We had heavy cream for a recipe, and I’ve been putting the leftover cream in my coffee. I just noticed today how many calories is in a TBSP. YIKES. No more of that.

I wish I had more to add. I feel so apathetic today. A bit drained. I’d like to just take a hot bath, curl up and read a book.

I got the kids registered in school for the Fall which is a BIG DEAL because I’ve been homeschooling them for the past 4 years. This is year 4. My daughter is going to be in 6th grade (middle school) and my son will be a 4th grader. We went to the middle school tour yesterday and my daughter was over the moon excited, particularly when she heard the orchestra playing (she is a violist). Then she met some of the players. My son is very excited, too.

I’m doing this because I think they need it (particularly my daughter because she really needs more exposure to the sciences and history, as well as instruction in formal writing — she’ll write creatively all day but has difficulty formulating her thoughts in formal writing based on nonfiction topics), and also because I need it. Although my top priority will still be them–making sure they get off to school and that I can help them when they get home–it’s time for me to look toward growing a career of my own. I think part of it is I am turning 40 in November. I’ve been working part-time while homeschooling, so I’ve never left my corporate job, which is great. I’ll be able to begin to work a few more hours once they are in school. After about a year, I can go back to full-time because they’ll be old enough to be alone. Right now my little boy would get home first, and would be home about 2 hours before his older sister would get home, so I’m not comfortable with that (he is 8). I don’t want either of my kids in before or after care. It’s just too long of a day, particularly after being homeschooled. It’s a huge change just going to school all day, and that is enough of a change.

In the meantime, I can think about what I would like to do in the future. There are a few options. Grow at my company where I’ve been working–I returned to work here in 2008 after being home with the kids a while and a stint as a personal trainer. So I’ve been here almost 6 years. I worked here 1993-2000 as well, so that’s actually 13 years almost, just with this company.

Another option would be working for one of the nearby schools (my kids’ schools are within walking/biking distance) or the community college where I was a student before transferring to USF. I have experience working at a college — I worked at USF for several years while I attended school there and LOVED IT. I worked for the Honors College and also for the Campus Activities Dep’t. Did everything from working in the gym to managing the basketball courts, to helping coordinate HUGE campus events–I even met Janet Reno at one of them! The community college is within biking distance, and one of my very good friends works there.

A third option is one of the local opera houses. There is an Aspiring Artists program. You audition, of course. It’s for artists who are unmanaged, who basically haven’t been discovered. If you get in, you are groomed to be an opera singer. I originally went to college to be an opera singer, but only did 1 year. I sing in different styles, but I was trained operatically. It’s actually a pretty exciting opportunity, but I get nervous thinking about it. I still sing operatically at home all the time — I practice arias and art songs. I actually teach voice lessons to children as well because I love singing. I’m just wrapping up teaching Madrigals for the semester, which is my small vocal ensemble. So, anyway, not much more to say on that one. Except it would be cool to hand out a business card that said,

BARB

Lyric Soprano

 

Okay, okay. Well, that’s it for now. I’m glad I wrote even though I didn’t really make a plan for diet and exercise. Except to AVOID CARBS (that includes sugar) and throw out the cream.

I’m thankful I got My Night.

Embarrassingly, however, I keep farting. I should have titled this post “Farting in Panera.”

Thank goodness I am in a corner booth.  

 

Hello from Starbucks!

Wow. Finding a seat where I could use my laptop was incredibly daunting. But the nice man next to me let me borrow his side table thingy, so here I am at last.

My husband is busy in extracurricular activities and I was complaining that I never went anywhere because I never knew when he would be around (to watch the kids), so we agreed that Wednesday evenings will be my evenings to get out of the house. I’m so used to being home, though, and so tired after the day that I had to peel myself out of my seat and, oh my goodness, did I procrastinate by doing every other thing before finally leaving the house.

I have already finished my tall, nonfat “Teavana Oprah” Chai Tea Latte, however. And better laptop seats have opened up. Well, they’re at the bar. If I sat there, people could read right over my shoulder. But, in reality, would they? Not likely. Oh well. I prefer my mushy chair to a wrought iron bar stool, even if this is not the most ergonomically correct situation.

I am doing relatively well this week but I’ve had a few pitfalls. A few nights ago, I had a chocolate candy binge. All that Easter candy, my god…I just knew that would happen. I just could *not* stop eating it. It was insane. My stomach was totally confused because I had eaten so well that day, and the 2 days prior. Then that. What the hell?! it seemed to be groaning at me. It really *was* groaning, too. Then yesterday I didn’t have a binge, but I overate. The food was good, little or nonprocessed food, but just too much of it. And I ask myself, why am I doing this? I need to stop this. Stop. Think. React.

Stop. (At pantry overeating nuts.)

Think. (Why am I doing this? Am I hungry? No. Then stop eating. No, I don’t want to. Why not? Because. But you’re not hungry. Shut up so I can enjoy these. But you’re not even enjoying them. So?)

React. (Munches nuts entire time. Perhaps more slowly in reflective moments. Sad, but true.)

Today I had a better eating day, although I did eat a large lunch out at a WONDERFUL local Mexican restaurant. This place makes you feel like a saint over eating many calories because so much of their food is fresh. They make everything from scratch. They make their corn tortillas as well. It’s not a greasy-type Mexican place. It’s just really fresh and good, and I never feel bad after eating there. But I know I need to eat lighter for the rest of the day. That’s just how I roll these days when it comes to enjoying myself in a restaurant.

I’ve been really lucky this week because my husband made this amazing Indian chickpea curry dish. He also made a spicy chili that is loaded with several kinds of beans and veggies, and although it contains some meat (steak), there’s not that much. Just enough to flavor it a bit. I’ve found that since I gave up meat and 6 months later, picked it back up, I still usually opt out of eating meat (like today at the restaurant). But when I do, I choose foods that contain very little meat. Meat is usually enhancing the meal. And I know that in many areas of the world, that is how people eat. I strongly believe that the widespread (in our country, anyway) view that this huge, juicy piece of meat should be the center of our meal, is contributing to our obesity problem .

If I was to divide a plate into 4 sections for lunch or dinner, I would have 1/4 protein, 1/4 carbohydrate, and 1/2 vegetables. Healthy fats would be used in the cooking or dressing of the vegetables/carbs. Often I choose a rice or another grain and beans (or legumes) combo as 1/2, and 1/2 vegetables. In the morning I have been eating 1 hardboiled egg (we have so many from Easter egg dyeing) and fruit — today I’ve had strawberries and blackberries together, but yesterday it was a gorgeous salad my husband had put together of all kinds of delicious fresh fruit: pineapple, cantaloupe, grapefruit, strawberries, blackberries and blueberries. If I’m on the run, I have a large glass of my green juice (that I juiced!) — 1 lemon, lots of spinach and kale, 1 cucumber, and 1 apple. Today I added celery, but I did not like that at all! Some days I feel like a grain instead at breakfast and will have oatmeal with fruit and chopped nuts mixed in. Sometimes Greek yogurt as well to turn it into a muesli.

I adore eating! I really don’t want to feel guilty about it.

Exercise. Sigh. I *so* need to step it up. I’ve been depressed over my left shoulder. I can’t remember if I posted about it last time, but it has been bothering me and I might need to have it looked at. Because of this issue, I haven’t been lifting weights. I have this mentality that I will be “unbalanced” if I just work my other arm. I’m not sure how reasonable that type of thinking is. In any case, there are many other moves I could be doing but haven’t been. And I’ve just been doing my walking in the mornings, which, while good in that is has been consistent and enjoyable–which I JUST LOVE because I *never* stick with exercise I do not enjoy–is just not intense enough to make a difference.

I haven’t weighed since last Friday but I was 146.8 (I think) on that day. Which was great because the week before I was 150 and flipping my lid (privately, of course). So, I’m on my way.

It’s *super* important to stay hydrated if you are trying to lose excess weight. Well, really, we all should stay hydrated. But, staying hydrated really gives you an edge in the realm of weight loss. So I am paying special attention to this. I have a habit, particularly while working, of not sipping my water for hours and then suddenly realizing my mouth feels like the Sahara. It’s really important to drink, drink, drink the water. Also try to cut out sodas. I was really tempted to order Diet Coke today, but I didn’t. I drank a ton of Coke Zero while my mother-in-law was here. We always drink Coke Zero and Sprite Zero when she is around because those are her favorite drinks. But my husband and I really get hooked on soda and then I don’t want to drink everything else. I’m even grossed out by water when I go back to it. It’s really weird because I LOVE water.

Here’s something else I love that Alicia recommended, that as I recall, her lovely Indian friend recommended to her:

Hot water (I boil in tea kettle)

1/2 lemon (squeeze it into the water and then I just drop the 1/2 in there as well)

Drink up! It is so cleansing.

I drink a lot of herbal teas as well. I am trying to drink less coffee because I have a habit of doctoring it up with Splenda and half-n-half.

There are some other things I am still internally wrestling with which essentially tell me that I still don’t have incredibly wonderful self-esteem, but I just have to keep reminding myself that we all encounter temptations and slip and slide from time to time…none of us is perfect and all of us are works in progress…and of course I am part of that “us.” So I’m trying not to beat myself up. I’m trying to remember that everything that happens is important and is part of life’s puzzle. Whether I perceive it as good or bad, truthfully, at the end of the day, it just…is.

Oh, oh, oh! I was going to be done but I wanted to brag about my husband. I was trying not to harp on him about his weight gain, not exercising, crappy eating and steady alcohol intake (all of this contributing to the worst mood swings…much of this from stress concerning the new promotion combined with family visitors). But late last week, he just started DOING again. He stopped drinking. He started eating healthier. He began exercising daily. He started hugging and kissing me.

HE SHAVED!

This week, he has been taking walks after work with me and the kids, or just the kids, if I am working, and he has been swimming laps.

He has not been eating junk or serving it up.

I am super-duper proud of him. He’s happier. He’s smiling. I’m smiling. We’re all smiling! Who is this man?!

It makes me feel so proud when he gets his act together like this. He just needed to do it on his own, without prodding. I’m proud of myself for NOT getting on his case. Because that truly sucks and I know from experience (I have been the one prodded in past relationships which always made me feel crappy, and sometimes I rebelled). We’re so much better at being healthy and encouraging our kids to be healthy, when we can do it as a team.

That’s a wrap! Aside from a few stumbles, I feel blessed and grateful. I just need to get the lead out. I hope everyone is doing well!

 

Right Off The Saucer

On a positive note, I have two of the best kids ever. Happy, healthy, intelligent, funny, musical, affectionate and giving.

Several weeks ago, I injured my left shoulder in some manner. I don’t recall any specific trauma, so I guess I could just be getting old, but lifting my arm to the front, rear and laterally causes pain. I have had to avoid anything weight-bearing on that shoulder.

So my children have been giving me massages almost every day for my sore shoulder. Isn’t that kind? Still, I think I am going to have to pay for an actual professional massage if I do not see improvement soon.

If I turn over on my side in my sleep, I either wake up in pain or my left arm goes numb. Yuck.

“Right off the saucer” is from Virginia Woolf’s “The New Dress.” It’s how I feel about my diet and exercise plan currently.

Everything can be going so well, all my proverbial ducks seem to be in a row, and then something happens, and everything goes to hell in a hand basket.

This time, it is my mother-in-law. I love my mother-in-law, but these visits totally throw me off. Also she loves fatty food and eating out. And desserts. Which she will bring to me as gifts.

Before, it was tough because she would stay with us. But she was buying her own house so I knew that would change. Now she has her own house down here, which she can put all the junk food she buys in. But she still brings it to our house for when she and her other son visit us, which is almost daily.

It sucks because I am so weak when it comes to those foods. But I don’t want to come out and say that.

Yesterday, I made a yogurt and fruit parfait for my kids, and found that she had given them pretzels and Fritos instead. 😦

I need to be strong enough to say no, myself (to temptation) as well as to say, “Please do not bring these foods into my home.”

Toward the end of this week, I finally began exercising again. My husband was promoted and has been working extra hours, so between that and my running his mom around everywhere, we’ve been major slackers.

We both feel lethargic a lot, and he is drinking beer almost every night, probably to unwind.

When you combine junk food, sugar, alcohol, and inactivity, it just makes you feel so crappy on the inside as well as the outside.

I hate to say it, but I’m looking forward to our visitors leaving because then my husband and I can properly focus on our nutrition, exercise, and meditation.

I’ve gained 10 lbs. but my husband is up more than 40.

I found a yoga/meditation class on Monday nights that I am going to encourage him to check out. He really needs help.

When we combine forces, we usually both do so well. It really helps to have support. But this last time, he didn’t lose as much as quickly as he thought he would, and he became quickly discouraged.

I am just going to make myself a quick list of reminders:

Hydrate all day long.
Exercise.
Eat well, not processed.
Cut the crap (junk, sugar).
Stay positive.
Don’t berate yourself-it does no good.
Surround yourself with good things: family, friends, music, art, culture.
Meditate-thinking, pondering, analyzing are good, but LISTEN.
Contact Alicia or Rosalyn if crazy binge feelings coming on.
Forgive yourself.
Start over.