Nourish: I’ll post pics of the food later in the day, so you get an idea of what I’m talking about in this blog. For now, I’ll just say that my caloric intake was higher than my app said it should be, and I still managed to lose .5 pound. Thank heavens–but imagine what I’d be losing, if I was staying 100% on track!?! Something interesting about this app, though – I have noticed (as Barb has also commented) that I am getting a bit obsessed with the amount of calories in food…ie, I will now look at a package or the app, and see “what I have left.” Good: I am aware of what I’m eating. Bad: I’m becoming more concerned at times, with the QUANTITY of calories, vs. the QUALITY of calories–my biggest bitch, about ppl who are counting calories. For instance…egg whites are a scant of calories, so I can load up with those for breakfast, and add some spinach and a bit of parm, for taste and texture. But is this healthier than the kale/banana smoothie, that will weigh in with more calories, b/c of the vitamin shake I put in there? Not at all–but I may opt for it, if I know I’ll have a heavier dinner and/or be drinking or not exercising. Good: it is encouraging me to work out more. Bad: This is sometimes an excuse to eat a bit more calories for dinner, which is NOT the goal! The goal is to eat more calories during the day, not save them for dinner, when it’s harder to lose them (due to sleep, and the natural cycle of the body). Good: I’m getting more protein, now that I’m focused on it, and have the app to help. Bad: I’m still not getting enough potassium-geezus, this is a hard nutrient to get…3 dates have a lot of potassium, but are almost 200 calories, themselves! (See what I mean about the qty vs quality of calories above?). I’m also not learning to keep track of protein intake as Tosca says, by having it at every meal…I’m relying on the app to tell me. For this week, I’m going to stick with the app, b/c I have too much going on right now, to worry about THAT being a goal. I’ll simply add more of those potassium-rich foods to my daily diet, and see if I can up the content (since some are naturally higher in protein, as well–did some research on that one, and made a happy little grid–that’s what I do lol).
Move: Loving this run thing, a bit–b/c I’m staying focused on breathing, and it keeps me focused on the actual workout, and my body/it’s reaction to the workout. It’s a SLOW process, though, and makes you not necessarily burn as many calories (here we go, with THAT again!). Once you take a mouth-breath, you go back to 0 incline and a walking pace, until your heart rate is back to normal. I must look like a complete geek at the gym, with my armband for the music, watching the treadmill and adjusting it, taking pics of the final workout, and keeping track of my heart rate thru the watch on my wrist. But in all honesty, I couldn’t care less, and maybe it will inspire someone to not just jump on a treadmill and start running (I’m perplexed at the improper workouts ppl do, just so they can burn calories or build muscle–I see what all the books are talking about, when they warn of injury!). This week’s goal is to get to the gym 3x, since this is where I do my running and full-body strength training. Home is meant for balance ball and walking in the am, which should commence this week, since I’m more alert (more protein)-it’s too damned hot here now, to do running outside…I am NOT in shape to be running in the heat! Note: did the bike at the gym on Saturday, and am not sore as I expected, nor did I burn enough calories in that amount of time. Next time I do it, I’ll pick the bike that has a spin class program in it, and will not be reading, like I did last week! Saturday’s are PERFECT for the gym, as it seems no one ever wants to be there on a Saturday–so I can have whatever machines I want, for as long as I want! 🙂
Love: I’m reading to diff books, the Zen Keys and Quiet (a book on being an introvert in an extrovert society). Though seemingly different, they are both helping me to find peace and acceptance for myself, and the world outside of myself. Zen starts with the inward self, and is…difficult to obtain, in our western world. We simply can’t “live” as a Zen monk does-nor can we go to workshops or monasteries, to practice it as needed. But there is a way to incorporate it in our lives, and I’m determined to find out how. I’ve always been curious about other religions or philosophies, and have yet to find one that I resonate with 100%. This seems good so far, which is more than I can say for most. It’s based off of Indian Buddhism, but started in China…I’m at the very beginning stages of understanding and absorbing the information, but I love the idea of detachment/non-judgement. The idea of inter-connectedness to everything and nothing, at the same time.
The Quiet book is a much simpler read, and is as insightful as the Zen book, in a different way. I’ve felt uncomfortable all my life, in many, many different aspects. As if I never fit in (and truthfully, don’t). I didn’t dress the same, I felt as if I belonged in a different era (whether it was the 60’s in high school, or perhaps the 20’s) – I sometimes wore clothes or shoes as a child, that older women wore–some of these were by choice, some were because we just couldn’t afford much else & these were handed down from the ladies at the church. I was never “good enough” to be a singer, though I was enrolled in an art school for vocal studies, in high school. I had severe stage fright, so picking theatre as a degree in college, seemed silly. But I love the arts, and getting a business degree was boring and out-of-the-question. I wasn’t artistic enough (in my mind), but was TOO artistic, for the “normal” classes. I was smart, but not smart enough to be in honors classes (though when applying myself, maintained honor-level grades, in advanced classes).
I’ve spent the majority of my 30’s digging deep within my past, my habits, my neurosis’, my negative patterns, my abuse and my parents lack of ability to be “perfect parents, like all my friend’s had” (ha!)–to become an enlightened and better person, to clear out some karma, and come back as a more advanced being, in the next life (yes, I DEEPLY believe in reincarnation and karma). I’ve done soul-retrievals and meditations to get over fears and business hindrances (fear of public speaking, b/c it’s a “must” to speak in public if you want to succeed, and I must find out what past patterns have come back, so I can conquer them). I’ve had astrological readings that made me aware that I came into this life, with these challenges of growing up (yes, I believe that we choose our lives before birth, knowing what needs to be accomplished in this life and picking the obstacles that will help us achieve this. I do not believe in FATE–I believe we chose our destiny, and create our future. I believe there is a higher power that is greater than us, that rewards us, and kicks us in the ass (not PUNISHING US), when we vere a bit off track from all we’ve accomplished so far.
Taking a step back–a soul retrieval is when you go to past lives, to find out the lessons you need to learn. My therapist is also a shaman, so she goes into a trance, goes into past lives and brings back “splinters,” so to speak. Fragments of your past, that you need to address and honor in this life, so that you become more of a whole and enlightened being. In past lives, there was a common pattern (as I was able to discern after spending hours in thought and meditation, looking for answers of each of these people she brought forth). Common theme? I never felt comfortable in past lives, was excommunicated for beliefs or being a heretic/witch, or consciously left my town/tribe, b/c I felt people were not paying me my worth. These are challenges I face in this life, which my therapist didn’t know (I was seeing her for completely different issues of abuse and self-doubt; we never discussed this stuff…and yes, I am by nature a sceptic, so though these spiritual people are close friends of mine, they need to “prove” their talents to me–I like to be sensually aware of a higher power-through sight, auditory or any other physical means).
So, we had the first filming of the tattoo commercial yesterday. And I had my first dose of “if anything can go wrong on a shoot, it will”-thank goddess my husband wants to be a movie director, and has studied this phenomenon over and over. While I’ve learned he is the WORST person to sometimes have around me in the midst of a panic attack/stressful situation (he typically feeds INTO the hysteria, and doesn’t solve it), once he gets out of his emotions, he is a work horse. And the way he flips out is actually a bit more productive in the directing world, than how I can be a pushover/empathetic/sympathetic. I tend to let people walk on me in the past, and he is the LAST person who will let anyone walk over him. So as much as I hate being in that moment of an anxiety attack and dealing with him as well, I know it’s a temporary moment, and we will find balance in it all. Yesterday’s debauchery of a situation? Our shoot was scheduled for 9am…we were filming and photographing the process of me getting tattooed.
The healing process will be used in the commercial, to show that I am a human who gets tattooed and makes the salve (not a lab guy who knows nothing about ink, or healing), and to also show that my product is better, b/c it is organic and natural. At 7 when I woke up, I had a vm from my videographer, that he had personal trouble and couldn’t make it. What!?! There’s no way I can postpone this shoot–the tat has to be healed by the next shoot, and any delays will throw off the schedule. So I made a cpl of calls for advice, and we managed to get the photographer to take stills AND run the video a bit. My videographer pulled through and got us the lighting and camera we needed…so all is well. Sort of. The photographer likes to show me what he’s shooting, to make sure I like the feel (of course I do, that’s why I picked him–I LOVE his work!). But there was a pic of me he asked for as a close-up, and I nearly died, when I saw it. I saw nothing but a receding hairline (see prev blogs lol)! He can’t possibly show this pic, and I need serious help before the next shoot, else a headband! I have two weeks to get back to a full head of hair–while cutting it close, it will probably happen. Yes, you can style your hair differently, to cover any loss, but in a photo shoot that is outdoors, if the wind blows, hairstyle is not going to save you…and if everyone else looks great, you have to keep the shot.
Back to the Quiet book–I’ve struggled and am trying to conquer the fear of showing my face. I’ve had photo shoots done and put up the pics (even the one’s I’m not 100% crazy about), and I’m working on a commercial for a tattoo salve I make–with my voice and my face, though I originally fought all three men working with me on this project, and wanted Barb to do the speaking, and my face to never be seen. I think of myself as Oz…behind the curtain, but there nonetheless, wise and powerful. I also do workshop and vending events for my products now, becoming more and more comfortable with Joe Q. Public. Do I enjoy all this? Not much…but here’s lesson one that I’ve learned from this book. IT’S OK. I don’t need to do everything Tony Robbins says (she thankfully discusses him in great detail, and went to one of his seminars for research of the book, herself being a closet-introvert). I am OK the way I am (though I admittedly will have more passion for my products than anyone, and am the best salesman–but I need to be able to interact and teach OTHERS that passion, so I can grow. I need distributors, and being able to connect with people is important to me). A lot of this “feeling out of place” has to do with being an introvert–perhaps some of the abuse I suffered as a child (physical, emotional and mental) was also a result of being an introvert–no one understands you, you’re the weird and quiet kid, who needs to be more active in sports and in class. You need to speak up more in corporate america, so you don’t look lazy.
No. No, I don’t. I am more comfy spilling my guts to all of you, than in a workshop of ten people. I will tell all of YOU, of the deepest struggles, and thereby overcome them, and perhaps empower you to be more…well, YOU. That’s OK–we introverts make up a mass amount of the population, though we are forced to keep it hidden, in this society. But we are powerful “thinkers,” and move the world along in greater and more powerful ways than some extroverts ever will. So would I rather say no to a frivolous night of drinking with friends, and stay cuddled up with a book or Rob? Would I rather seem anti-social and closeted? Sure. And I’m a bit more comfortable with myself this week, in knowing that. So please…do what it takes to be more comfortable with yourself, and not feel like there’s something “wrong with you, that must be fixed.” We are all perfect, in our own way.
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